Harry Potter and the Nietzsche Kritik

In his 8th year at Hogwarts (having been left back for doing, well, literally nothing academic during his 7th year and, in fact, making quite a bloody mess of the place), Harry Potter joins the Gryffindor Debate Team. His first choice as partner, his friend Ron, decides that he would prefer to pursuit Parli, which makes a lot of sense in England when you come to think of it, leaving Harry no choice but to cross house boundaries and partner up with Draco Malfoy (AKA Doug Jeffers). Harry and Draco quickly realize that if they wish to star in their chosen activity, Public Forum Arts (commonly referred to as PFarts), they must put aside their differences, so they learn to bond by watching the complete Adam Sandler ouevre, as it has been proven that extended exposure to these movies will melt granite, and is certainly capable of eliminating the animosity between adolescent wizards.

Their first step in their quest to reach the TOC (Tournament of Conjurers) is to acquire the spells necessary for obtaining evidence. Thanks to the help of the indomitable Hermione Granger, who usually quadruple enters in Dramatic Interpretation (DI), Hysteric Interpretation (HI), Overwrought Interpretation (OI), and Original Oratory (Uh-Oh), the boys learn about the legendary Vincimus Presto website, which provides them with their first batch of quotes, which they carefully organize into categories of Obvious, Useless and Incomprehensible. They realize early on that their best chance of success is the Incomprehensible pile, which they proceed to write up into affirmative and negative positions, despite the fact that no one has yet to release this month’s resolution. At their first novice debate tournament, conducted under the auspices of the CFL (Chthonic Forensic League), our heroes come in second place, losing by one point to the PFarts team from the dreaded Regicide Preparatory School for Immanent Warlocks. Vowing to do better next time, and swearing that they are better than any Regicide, Harry and Draco enlist the aid of their house elf, Little Bietzy, in scoping out a plan for a better second speech and the use of the dreaded “Bright Line” Potion in the Crossfire segment of the round. Unfortunately, just as Little Bietzy is about to add the final secret ingredient, he is apparated to California and disappears into the Vincimus Presto website, never to be seen again, which happens all the time on that website, but that’s another story altogether.

With the help of Harry’s dead godfather, U Cantby Sirius, the team acquires Mofo Pomo, the ultimate spell for winning debate rounds, but even mentioning the name of the spell is likely to bring on the legions of Harry’s dreaded enemy, Wal-Mort, whose name most people never say out loud, preferring instead to refer to him as Sams Club. Wal-Mort has been trying to kill Harry since as long as anybody can remember for reasons that are not particularly clear but every epic needs a really bad Bad Guy and in this case, Wal-Mort is it. After an invigorating albeit pointless Quidditch match, played only so that the special effects team can get a seemingly endless credit roll at the end of the movie (and, coincidentally, so that Draco can get a really good Scrabulous bingo if he can remember how to spell the game correctly), Harry Potter and Wal-Mort finally meet in a fight to the death, except that every time you kill Wal-Mort he comes back either in the next book or the next movie, whichever comes first, so the best Harry can do in the interim is quickly cast the Mofo Pofo spell at the NFL (Necromancers’ Forensic League) tournament, thus defeating the Regicide team and earning full qualification for the TOC and NFL Finals in Las Vegas, which is the only place left in America where there’s any magic anymore, even if it is only David Copperfield or David Blaine or Penn & Teller, except Penn is appearing on that stupid dance show now that Wayne Newton has been kicked off the island, but that, again, is another story altogether.

In our next installment, Harry Potter and the Contention of Doom, Harry and Draco will go to TOC. Preorders are now being accepted at Amazon.com for the amazingly low price of eighty-nine ninety-nine ninety-five American. Sign up now while you still can.