Monday, July 07, 2008

JASON, ALEC, ADAM AND BILLY BALDWIN WIN THE TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS

LEXINGTON, Ky. — The 1929 Tournament of Champions inaugurated the Great Depression by concluding with a soporific final round between Vestavia Hills High School’s Jason, Alec, Adam and Billy Baldwin and Christopher Columbus High School’s Nina (“Pinta”) Santa-Maria. The final panel consisted more or less of Phillips, Sueknow Whentolaff, and Kate-on-Hamm. On a 3-3 decision that could easily have gone the other way, Jason, Alec, Adam and Billy defeated Nina (“Pinta”) to wrap up a perfect tournament, except for the food. And the bugs in the motel. And the recently manured plants at the university. But who’s counting? Congratulations to both, or however many of them there are!
(As part of my ongoing project of institutionalizing the erasing of the memory for Lincoln-Douglas debate, I have been carefully copying materials from WTF and ritually burying them. Many have since been found in the Chellgren Center Debate Office at the University of Kentucky, which is reason enough to avoid like the proverbial plague the Chellgren Center Debate Office at the University of Kentucky. Until the lawsuits are settled, no names will be mentioned in connection with the University.)
Jason Alec, Adam and Billy were coached by Unmerrily Duking Itout; Nina (“Pinta”) was coached by the Lee Myles Transmission company.

Underachievers Ann Miasma of Pago Pago Alto High School and Roy Rogers of Whodehowa High School advanced into the elimination rounds and quickly turned around and ran home out of fear for their lives, despite having received auto-qualifications to the 1930 through ‘38 Tournaments of Champions.

La Cueball High School’s Leif Erickson, who won the TOC as a toddler, was mercilessly defeated in octafinals. Sticks and Stones Will Break My Bones but Holy Names Will Never Hurt Me Academy’s Laura and Ferdinand, a ventriloquist act, who advanced into the elimination rounds while being sophomoric, were the seventeenth seed(s), and thus earned, well, not much.

—
The first judge listed on each panel refused to get out of his or her chair.
(17) Holy Names LF (Laura and Ferdinand)

OCTAS

(1) Vestavia Hills J,A,A&BB over (16) Vestavia Hills DTB (Damn That Baldwin! Note: DTB was coached over by J,A,A&BB 182 times over the course of his debate career)
(2) Hockaday MA def. (15) Albany JA (Jonathan Axlegrease) 3-0 (Cheery Os, Rickie Nelsen, Atom Ant)
(3) Christopher Columbus CG def. (14) Isidora Duncan JS (Justin Sockittome) 2-1 (Kate-on-Hamm, Tinker Taylor, Paying Tenant)

(4) Bishop Kearney CR def. (13) Pago Pago JT (Jamie Tush) 3-0 (Ralph Richardson, Charlie Chan, Nancy Walker [the Nancy Walker?])

(12) Vestavia Hills JC def. (5) Thomas Jefferson BB (Bedden Breakfast) 3-0 (Eric Di Michele of all people, Big Mac, Heather Gloamin’)
(11) Palo Alto AM def. (6) Centerville BG (Brother Gibb) 2-1 (Shoe Sheinman, Tarnish Jutmoll, Ala King)

(10) South Plantation JS def. (7) La Cueball ME (Leif Erickson) 2-1 (Pete Spaghetti, Unmerrily Duking Itout, Pat Metheny)

(8) Scarsdale JB def. (9) Whodehowa RR (Roy Rogers) 2-1 (Clark Kent, Dick Grayson, Victory Jeesh)


QUARTERS

(1) Vestavia Hills J,A,A&BB def. (8) Scarsdale JB (Jennifer Beals) 3-0 (Jeffrey Dahmer, Fred Robertson, Richard Speck [the only all-serial-killer panel ever assigned to a TOC round])

(7) South Plantation JS def. (2) Hockaday JA (Jack Armstrong the All-American Boy) 3-0 (How Wry, Mahatma Kane Jeeves, Harold Bisonette)
(3) Christopher Columbus CG def. (6) Pago Pago AM (Ann Miasma) 2-1 (Roger Thornwood, Lars Thorwald, Norman Bates)

(4) Bishop Kearney CR def. (5) Vestavia Hills TB (Tanner Butwherestyler) 2-1 (Harry S Truman, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Al Gore)


SEMIS

(1) Vestavia Hills J,A,A&BB def. (4) Bishop Kearney CR (Cordelia Regan) 3-0 (Jon Cruz, O’C, The Birthday Boy [who is/are the only person(s) in the world who will read this far])

(3) Christopher Columbus CG def. (2) South Plantation JS (Josh Sheepdip) 2-1 (Jean Baudrillard, Jacques Derrida, George W. Bush)

FINALS

(1) Vestavia Hills J,A,A&BB def. (3) Christopher Columbus CG (Nina (“Pinta”) Santa-Maria) 3-3 (more or less of Phillips, Sueknow Whentolaff, and Kate-on-Hamm)

TOC CHAMPION

(1) Vestavia Hills JB (Jason, Alec, Adam and Billy Baldwin)

—
TOP SPEAKERS

1. Jason, Alec, Adam and Billy Baldwin — Vestavia Hills High School (AL)

2. Leif Erickson — La Cueball High School (NM)

3. Jennifer Beals — Scarswegian High School (NY)

4. Roy Rogers — Whodehowa High School (NY)

5. Jack Armstrong the All-American Boy (who always wanted to go to an all-girls’ school)— The Hockaday School (TX)

6. Josh Sheepdip — South Plantation High School (FL)

7. Nina (“Pinta”) Santa-Maria — Christopher Columbus High School (FL)

8. Roasted Lamb — Cypress Grill High School (TX)

9. Ann Miasma — Palo Pago Alto High School (CA)

10. Michael Ellis — The Monty Python School (CA)

11. Stephen Oyster — The Bivalve School (NY)

12. Cordelia Regan — Bishop Kearney High School (NY)

13. Wicked Witch — Omigod Westside High School (NE)

14. Tanner Butwherestyler — Vestavia Hills High School (AL)

15. Little Carmen — Charlotte Haze High School (AL)


Popularity: -29%

Happy Birthday, Jon.

2 comments:

Jeffrey said...

This is absolutely phenomenal.
great work!

Jon Cruz said...

As I mentioned via other electronic communications, this gave me a hearty laugh. Thank you.

I'm glad we both had the same reaction to seeing a debater from 1993 named Tanner.