You can't make this stuff up. (Well, maybe you can.)

We’ve had Barbie on Ice, the Flintstones on Ice, Ewoks, Snorks—whatever the hell they are—and Nintendo on Ice, but by the mid-90s the magic of family entertainment at the rink seemed to vanish from the American scene. Oh, sure, every now and then the odd Disney princess dons some skates and slides out to entertain the four-year-old girl audience (ranked by the Wall Street Journal as the biggest dispensers of discretionary income in the country, and also the nastiest), or some guy in skin-tight Liberace drag escapes from some Soviet compound during the Olympics to perform at Madison Square Garden when the Knicks have the night off, but otherwise, the Ice Capades are a thing of the past.

Or so we thought.

Yesterday, October 9th, a date that will live in Frigid Forensic infamy, the legendary (or perhaps mythical) Jon Cruz has announced that this year’s IE component of the Rather-on-the-Large-Side Bronx Tournament will, for the very first time, be performed at I.C.E. on Ice! Yes, indeed, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girl, for the very first time, O’C and his Bronx Army present: The Speechcapades!!!

I can see it all now.

“The Parade of the Wooden Soldiers” performed entirely by freshman declamation skaters.

“Poetry in Motion” performed by the Binder Ice-Capets, AKA the OIers. (There will be no prose OI component at the tournament, as “Prose in Motion” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.)

“The Old Smoothies” performed by the Duo competitors. You know how hard it is to perform a throw triple axel when you can’t touch your partner?

“Sweethearts of the Silver Blades” featuring the female Original Orators whining about how miserable their privileged little lives really are, accompanied by their male component, “Youth—Life and Dash!” who, no matter how fast they skate, or how dangerous their moves, never allow the you-know-what-eating grins to leave their faces!

“The Royal Canadian Northwest Mounties” featuring Extempers who must skate for ten minutes while carrying a tub to collect their research, followed by ten minutes of getting their speeches on a single index card while skating backwards, followed by ten minutes aimlessly staring at nothing practicing their speeches, leading to their grand finales of seven minutes giving a speech they actually memorized two years ago, having simply changed their opening anecdote from the one about the marigolds to the one about the glass houses.

“Hay, Hay, Pansy, She’s Back Again" Our Dramatic Interpers put on their tutus and tights and hit the ice one at a time, bringing tears to the eyes and a lift to the heart as they perform theatrical classics like, I guess, “Hay, Hay Pansy, She’s Back Again.” (I have no idea what that means and I can’t wait to find out. I think.)

“Johnny Walker ‘Stilted’ ” And then our Humorous Interpers take to the ice, each one performing their nonsense on stilts, which is a reference only the LDers will get, and even they probably won’t get it in this day and age.

“East Indian Idol” is the grand finale, where everyone including O’C hits the ice for the award ceremony, followed by the elephants, the wild horses, the trained seals, Herpes the Wondermutt and, last but not least, the Zamboni.

It all makes me wish I was a Speecho-American.

(All of these names were taken directly from a 1945 Ice Capades program. I never make anything up if there’s better stuff already out there. I mean, seriously: "Hay, Hay, Pansy, She’s Back Again"?)