Breaking wind news!

Coachean Life has managed to obtain a copy of the list of next year's Big Jake awards. Find out now if you qualify!

The Person of the Year Who Didn’t Get Into Bronx High School of Science Award — Given annually to a student from another high school that shall remain nameless

The Bronx Science “Deaf Ear” Award — Given annually to anyone who can walk by the basement bathrooms when the blow dryer is running and not think that it it’s the end of the world

The Tubby — The Bronx Science Achievement Award for taking longer to download your case onto a flash drive than it takes Rubbermaid to ship a plastic tub from the company’s factory in Brazil

The Teletubby — The Bronx Science Achievement Award for memorizing Star Trek (TNG) episode names

The Sporcle — The Bronx Science Award for Achievement in walking past tab and randomly calling out the correct answer to any question about Turkmenistan

The Foods of the World Award — Given annually to the plate of ziti that looks least like a plate of ziti

The Barney Rubble Award — Given annually to the student in the field who looks most like Barney Rubble. In case of a tie, the award goes to the student who looks most like Wilma Flintstone. If it is the same person in both cases, the tournament is declared over

The Cruzie — Given annually to the first judge to wander off during the tournament, never to be heard from again

The Hamiltonian — Given annually to Ryan Hamilton for reasons that must remain undisclosed

The Muckamuck — Given annually to the highest ranking person in the debate universe who shows up at the tournament for no particular reason other than, I guess, they got off at the wrong subway station

The Natty Bumppo — Given annually to anyone who doesn’t make the wrong turn off the Thruway on the road to the tournament hotel; not given since 1992.

The Custodian of the Year — Given to whoever has to clean up the worst mess caused by the sickest debater; this is the tournament’s only cash award, and the only one given under the table

The Order of the Red Bull — Given annually to the student at the tournament with the highest caffeine intake

The Sexydecimal Award — Given annually in recognition to anyone who knows that the doubles round has a funny name and who can remember what that funny name is; awarded only twice in the history of the tournament, but both winners refused to accept for fear that everyone not only in the debate universe but in the country at large would make fun of them for the rest of their lives, and, perhaps, even after

The Japonica — Awarded annually to the person who eats the most raw fish in the shortest amount of time

The Panivoria — Awarded annually to the person who eats the least raw fish in the longest amount of time

The 666 — Awarded annually to the unpreferred judge not only given the most sixes by both teams in the round, but also by some random team that just happened to be passing by at the time. Also known as the Number of the Beast Award. (The Beast’s cell phone number, on the other hand, is unlisted)