Angus Flotilla, one of the first winners of the NatNats LD Final Whizbang back in the 1950s, before they even had LD, offers some advice to this year’s competitors.
Howdy, you lucky sons o’ guns (and daughters o’ guns). Things have changed a lot since I won the old Horse on a Stick, as we used to call it, but a lot of things are still the same. The most important thing to keep in mind is that, while the tournament is longer than most, it’s not as long as it used to be. In my day, the season lasted one week and the tournament lasted nine months. Today, it’s the other way around, which means that there are fewer bedsores, and the bathrooms stay cleaner a lot longer. Still, you need to husband your resources. Make sure you get a lot of sleep, but make sure it’s at night, and not during rounds, even if your opponent is a boring as an Ashton Kutcher movie. Eating well is also important. Avoid junk food, unless you’re really, really hungry and it’s chocolate or deep-fried or both. And don’t attempt any exotic steps at the local Dime-a-Dance parlors: better people than you have lost a limb or three with an errant cha-cha move.
The next important thing to remember is that the judging is different at NatNats. First of all, some of the judges actually know the rules of the NFL, although usually it’s the rules of the other NFL, and the last thing you need is some judge yelling out “First down!” in the middle of your NC. Secondly, the good news is that the league no longer allows corporal punishment. It’s one thing to drop a ballot; it’s another thing altogether to be caned by some sadistic lunatic who thinks that fast-speaking is a criminal offense. The bad news is that the judges are totally unpredictable. If you are unsure of your judges’ paradigms, even after they’ve told you, then it’s probably a good idea to ignore my earlier advice and attempt to teach them some interesting cha-cha maneuvers. It can’t hurt, and it might help. Another thing to keep in mind is that your judges may not be up on the latest LD styles. Theory, for instance, may be common where you are, but most of these judges, well, it’s like the theory of evolution, and they’re just not buying it because it's just a theory. In my day people ran a lot of pre-modernism (which later became modernism, and then post-modernism, before everyone realized that no matter how you sliced it, it was nonsense on stilts), but when you got to NatNats, you put all that behind you and ran the Social Contract. It's the same today: Trust me on this.
Another piece of good news you have is that your topic is well-balanced. The affirmative and the negative are equal… Wait a minute. I take that back. What you want to do is flip neg. I realize there’s no LD flip at NatNats, but your judges may not know this, so it can’t hurt to give it a try.
Finally, a real piece of good news, bad news. The bad news first. The tournament is in Kansas City. If you’re coming from a real city, you will be struck by the difference, although on the bright side they do have decent barbecue (unless you’re from the south, and have religious reasons why their barbecue isn’t barbecue at all, but I’ll leave that to you and your conscience). The good news is, that when it’s all over and you’re heading home, you can turn to the person sitting next to you and say, “I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” The person next to you, having not expected this, will laugh and laugh, provided the person sitting next to you has the mental capacity of a three-year-old.
So, enjoy yourself. NatNats is the most fun you can have in the middle of June in Kansas City. And that, my friends, is a fact.
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