Tuesday, September 09, 2008

A Day in the Life of You Know Who

6:00 a.m. Alarm clock plays the theme from Revenge of the Sith. Hit snooze button.

6:10 Alarm clock plays the theme from Revenge of the Sith. Again. Hit snooze button. Again.

6:20 Audioanimatronic Jar Jar Binks character arrives to shake subject out of bed. Shoot audioanimatronic Jar Jar Binks character with Uzi submachine gun.

6:20-7:00 Morning ablutions.

7:00 Daily recreation of TOC Monday morning “Breakfast of Champions,” complete with inductions into the hall of fame, speeches, and grits.

7:30 Clean up after breakfast of champions recreation. Throw 947th batch of grits into the garbage disposal.

7:45-10:00 Attempt to paste together shredded schematics from rounds 2 through 4 of 1983 novice tournament at Humpy Creek HS, Alaska. Wonder briefly whether Sarah Palin is the next Hillary Clinton.

10:00-10:15 Connect with 100 new friends on Facebook. Change profile picture to the same profile picture that’s already been there for the last two years. Hire new assistant policy coach.

10:15-10:30 Post open thread entry on WTF. Collect $5000.

10:30-12:15 Watch legendary Tagalog-dubbed version of DVD extras from “Howard the Duck.”

12:16 p.m. Email Menick telling him how he knows he really wants nothing more in his life than to see “Howard the Duck.”

12:17-12:24 Post entry on WTF asking readers to say what tournaments they wouldn’t go to even if you boiled them in oil. Collect $5000.

12:25-1:00 Listen to latest Liberace podcast from his number one cosplay fan site while riding subway to high school.

1:00-2:00 Lunch with principal of high school. Wear Indiana Jones costume and bring map of hidden underground corridors of building with plans for excavation searching for the Kingdom of the Lost Double-Octos trophy from 1932 Invitational.

2:00-2:15 Teach all of Kant and the first half of Derrida to A.P. philosophy class.

2:15-4:58 Take attendance at debate meeting.

4:59-5:00 Debate meeting.

5:00-5:05 Fire new assistant policy coach. Hire even newer assistant policy coach.

5:06-5:10 Post entry on WTF listing historical results of 1911 TOCs, with special attention to legendary LD final round between R.B. Sodikow and J. W. Patterson. (Sodikow forfeited because somebody didn’t close the door). Collect $5000

5:10-5:20 Meet with cafeteria staff to come up with new names for food. Standard debate ziti, for example, could be called “Foods of the World, the Mediterranean” while rat-on-a-stick from local street vendors can be repurposed as "Third World Fare for a New World Order." Present service award to cafeteria staff.

5:20-6:00 Send emails to 1000 alums telling each of them to send $10M to support team.

6:00-7:00 Visit local branch of Chase Manhattan Bank for personal dinner meeting with bank president. Withdraw newly received $10M contributions from 1000 alums. Immediately purchase desperately needed items: 5000 policy tubs; airplane tickets for 317 declamation novices to travel to West Bonetrail, ND, for annual Tournament of Dec Champs; 53 bricks of gold bullion for this year's invitational trophies.

7:00-8:00 Visit Metropolitan Museum of Art private collection of handmade trophies from invitationals ranging from the Age of Nefertiti to the Rise of Clay Aiken.

8:00-9:00 Consult with international team of gnome trophy artisans in secret underground location regarding this year’s models. Give them the 53 gold bricks and tell them there's more where that came from, all they have to do is ask. Make sure to get receipt.

9:00-10:00 Read novelization of “Howard the Duck” on subway ride home

10:00-10:05 Post entry on WTF asking who is not reading the entries on WTF. Collect $5000.

10:05-10:15 Read Coachean Life blog. Fume.

10:15-10:30 Evening ablutions, including flossing. Design possible new MHL trophy in toothpaste on mirror, photograph with iPhone and mail to undisclosed-location gnomes for input.

10:30 Set alarm clock for 6:00 tomorrow morning. Think long and hard before selecting the theme from Revenge of the Sith to be the wake-up song.

10:31 p.m.-5:59 a.m. Dream of someplace over the rainbow, where everyone has multiple trophies, where everyone reads nothing but schematics, and Jason Baldwin is President. Try not to wake up screaming.

And so goes another day in the life of Aaron Timmons Jon Cruz.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Bravo! This was easily one of the most entertaining things I have ever read on the Internet (about Jon Cruz)