You say tomatoes, I say two mottoes

I'm disappointed that the weather will postpone the caveman to Frenchman lecture, unlike the team, which will have to hold their disappointment until after they hear it. I also need to throttle Ewok for not engineering the room hardware for Districts, which we'll probably be holding on the football field. Oy.

Meanwhile, my tireless correspondent from you-know-where has sent me the following press bulletin:

March 8, 2005 -- For Immediate Release

The challenge format used at Vassar (“Where the men are men and the women are still pissed off about it” is their motto) has proven such a hit that VBD will be introducing “The Iron Debater” this summer at its legendary Golden State institute (“20 Graduates and Still Going Strong” is their motto).

The Iron Debater is a challenge format originally developed by the Japanese as a part of their Meiji-Perry Debate format. (Meiji-Perry is Nippon’s answer to Lincoln-Douglas; “President Fillmore now named Pierce” is their motto.) Every tournament begins with a flashy moderator (tentative choice for emcee at this moment is Jon Cruz; “I’m the only one reading this blog so it had better be about me” is his motto) entering the stadium and announcing this week’s single ingredient, which the opposing sides have one half hour to craft into positions. In the past debaters have been forced to create entire cases out of Rawls’s Theory of Justice, Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason, Putnam’s Bowling Alone and George W. Bush’s French in 10 Easy Lessons. A mixed panel of judges, including a parent judge, a Texas coach and Paris Hilton, are the final arbiters of each debater’s skill. Points are awarded for presentation, understanding of the premise, refutation and best tie. Female debaters are additionally graded on choice of cowboy hat.

“Iron Debate is a whole new dimension in forensics,” says VBD founder Dick Cheney (“Constitution? What Constitution” is his motto). “Most debaters are handed their positions by their coaches, which they run blindly with no understanding; we force them to come up with their own ideas, but on a very limited slant. No longer will you hear high school students expounding ideas that only a college freshman could understand. Now you’ll hear high school students expounding positions that no college freshman could understand in a million years. It promises to be debate at its finest.”

The Iron Debater is expected to begin webcasting Friday nights in August on VBD, in between schematics postings from the Central European Forensic League district tournaments (“We’ll debate until Russia gobbles us up again” is their motto). For further information, contact Herman Melville, Cub Reporter, at VBD International Headquarters (“Today debate, tomorrow declamation” is their motto).