The production crews are rolling in

(According to a certain website, there will be live coverage from Po'keepsie this weekend for those forced to stay home.)

Let me tell you, you can't move out there. The traffic is completely out of hand. The production trucks started moving up the Taconic before dawn this morning, and the eyes of virtually the entire Hudson Valley have turned northward. Not since Woody and Soon-Yi shot their wedding video in Nyack has so much show-biz been seen south of Schenectady (or, for that matter, north of synecdoche).

Classes at the college were shut down by ten a.m. to make room for the technicians. All the buildings on the campus are being rewired, and a KritiKam is being installed in every room where the rounds will be taking place. You'll be able to watch every turn, every refutation, every drop, every point on every flow, right from the comfort of your own home! Why brave the crowds when the KritiKam is as good as being there? Maybe better? Interestingly, some rounds will be judged remotely, if the participants so choose. This is a response to Critical Debate Theory; the goal is to remove the judge's possible tainting of the round by his or her race, age, sexual orientation or garlic breath. Pundits claim that the resulting results will be the least tainted since, well, Woody and Soon-Yi's wedding video.

The tearing down of the administration building for the erection of the temporary Challenge Courtyard Tent is the most controversial aspect of the proceedings. The tournament directors were able to assuage the fears of the college by promising that the tent would be a lot more "with it" than that old-fashioned ivy-covered gothic stone monstrosity it's replacing (one of which is seen, let's face it, at practically every college campus). Additionally, the tournament directors promised that if any of the deans and their families were interested, they would be welcome at lunch on Saturday, provided they were willing to judge a couple of rounds of Public Forum and didn't mind ziti.

Hackers, meanwhile, are said to be drooling over the prospect this weekend of practically every computer in the country online to one event. The FBI reports that they have already intercepted two viruses, one of which (FooKooKoo) drives either you or your computer insane; the other (codenamed Chipsallin) takes every last bit of your money while masquerading to coaches as a nice quiet game of Hearts. One of the great fears of this much concentration of the country on one spot is the possibility that, in between rounds, the entire country will flush the toilet at the same time and cause the greatest water shortage since Woody and Soon-Yi's wedding video. Water Works authorities are reported to be standing by. Meanwhile, airports, train stations and cargo container ships have already notice a marked increase in people leaving the country to avoid the likely confusion. Homeland Security is raising the alert to the very highest, and both George Bush and Dick Cheney have been safely transported to separate, secure, underground bunkers in undisclosed locations.

Perhaps the most telling comment describing the weekend that will change America forever came from Woody and Soon-Yi. "This is what happens when you let men on the campus," the happy couple agreed.