Anesthetizing the topic

LOS ANGELES, Kali. — Clad in themed costume, Off Case and Wesley Craven (a name that defies parody) presented the topic analysis for the resolution we’ll be confusing for the first two or three minutes here at Session I of the WTF Institute. The topic? Ah, good question, young apprentice. “Resolved: Military conscription is uncool, when all you have to do is sign up voluntarily and they give you a gun, a helmet, and really good hiking boots, no questions asked.”

This lovely presentation — complete with the participation of the How 9000 computer, vaguely reminiscent of Dr. Strangelove, WarGames and Howard the Duck Goes to Hawaii, but nonetheless the latest hardware available on the market, which we use to run all the audioanimatronic figures here at WTF — followed the camp’s formal welcome assembly. What Theblank was on hand to provide the students with breathing apparatus during a nine-hour exegesis on the history of WTF, while institute director Always Remember You Ate Fresh Bietz (or else the next morning you’ll think your insides are falling out) coordinated the goings-on while modeling an evening gown designed by Thierry Mugler especially for our camp. Also speaking were Tommy Makem and the Clancy Brothers, or Tom Clancy, or someone like that, and Astronaut Neil Conrad on the curriculum, Mega Hertz on “Phood for Philosophers,” and Noble Savage and Adam Twelve on…the rules (a speech given entirely in German in order to really impress people that this year we mean it)! As per tradition, Jon “Orange County” Cruz did the staff introductions but, given the sheer size and talent of the faculty, had to give up after three days of ceremoniously forgetting everyone’s name except for Boom-Boom the Wonder Mole and Mitzi Gaynor, and was last seen rattling off incoherent and totally inaccurate debate trivia while doing the Macarena and singing a solo version of “Would You Rather Be A Colonel With an Eagle on Your Shoulder or a Private with a Chicken on your Knee” in perfect harmony.