Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A troubled missive for troubled times

I can’t say that I’m surprised to hear from my old correspondent (formerly) at WTF in these trying times. I’m also not surprised that George W. Bush is blaming the ongoing international stock market collapse directly on the redesign of the WTF website. But I’ll let Herman’s eloquent letter speak for itself:

Dear Mr. Menick:

I am not fine. Are you?

As you may imagine, things here at the Institute for Better Living Through Oral Critiques are in turmoil. Now that we have eliminated our daily blog, there simply is nothing for any of us to do. It used to be we ran a tournament in January and a summer camp in Summary, and in between we cooked evidence and sold it to teams unable to afford their own college mascots. But our chief activity, regardless of all else, was maintaining our blog. And, as you no doubt know, our blog is no more.

I know, I know. You pointed out to us even at our last iteration on the web that the blog material that everyone came to our site for was slowly disappearing. Instead of having an endless flow of blog entries, we had cut it down to a mere handful. We replied by telling you it was for your own good. But, in the immortal words of that Haze woman, lo and behold, not only were you prescient, adding greatly to your already solid reputation of being both scient and postscient, but you were the first to realize that the elusive concept of slippery slope, hitherto a logical fallacy, would eventually be proven to be true! Our present website has no blog at all! It has gone where the goblins go, below, below, below…

I am dumb and struck, and no doubt so are you.

I am writing you now because, obviously, there is no need to continue my employment here at the Orbitz Forensic League. I would have applied to the Rippin’ Forensic League, but their website and our website are now identical (except they have more flashing icons, although I understand we intend to counter with pirated background music, most probably an mp3 of “I Want to be Sedated,” a real favorite here in the hills of wtfia). If there’s no use for me here, it stands to reason that there is no use for me there. So, I was wondering if you might have any use for me where you are, which is neither here nor there. My credentials, while peccable, are not completely disastrous. Over the years I worked my way up the ladder here at Defeat Longjohns, and I know that I could do the same for you. As sole proprietor and supplier of a fully operational blog with entries all the time that look like blog entries, some of which are even relevant, you must have need of a gofer, a factotum, a polymath, a halfway decent golf caddy and the possessor of a Wii game that I might let you use if you behave yourself. You would have to fly me across the country to join you, however. I would be willing to give up my window seat if that would make any difference.

Mr. Menick, I can only say one thing: HELP!!! You always said that you thought the Hell in a Handbasket site was improving and doing a good job as a central clearing house for debate information, but now that they have abdicated that role, YOU MUST TAKE THAT ROLE ON YOURSELF. And, of course, hire me to help you. The good news is that I come extremely cheap. As a matter of fact, given that Voldemort’s Briefs never once gave me a nickel no matter how much work I did, any offer you make is sure to be accepted.

Faithfully yours,

Herman Melville
Unemployed Myrmidon

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