I'm sorry, but I've got wordplay on the brain. Among other things. I got sidetracked into a whole riff on Magritte (obviously), and then just roamed around the wilds of surrealism for a while. I read some reference to a map in a Lewis Carroll story where the scale was one mile = one mile, and people decided to use the country itself as a map, which they claimed worked almost as well. And if there was ever a blank wall that one hit head on, it was good old Cy Twombly.
Cy Twombly. What a name. Very Dickensian.
They're touting Bellow as an anti-modernist. I hate to admit I've never really read the guy past a few odd attempts in my literary youth. It's time to take another look. Any anti-modernist can't be all bad.
And Claire thinks I've completely lost it. When people who are dating phantoms think you've gone over the top, you've got to wonder.
Anyhow, in the middle of all this, who should I hear from but my good friend from Juvenile Delinquents Frequently. I'll let him speak for himself...
Dear Mr. Menick:
HQ has assigned me to Security Detail for the month of April. Their feeling is that trainees ought to participate in as many workings of the corporation as possible to get a feel for the overall operation. It has been an eye-opening experience.
I am writing to you to inquire why you have not visited our website for the last 11 days. Our state-of-the-art tracking software allows us complete knowledge of who comes to our website when. (For your information, we have 43 unique visitors, making approximately 3,425,302 page views a day. Each. Of those 43 visitors, 4 are staffers, 22 are national circuit superstars, 7 are non-national rube wannabes, 2 are coaches -- one of them is you and the other one isn't -- and the remainder are click-throughs from Noah G's dating service.)
By not visiting our site regularly, you have missed a number of new entries. As you know, we make no attempt to weigh the merits of our postings. Knowing your opinion of cultural studies, you probably feel that it is a mistake not to differentiate between the latest theoretical analyses of debate structure with the Glenbrooks recipe for Boolooloop, but JDF believes that all information is equal and it's the beholder's problem to make heads or tails of it. We are very modern in this belief. How do you feel about modernism, old-timer? (Ha ha. Or, as we like to say at JDF, [Laughs sardonically].)
I thought you might appreciate this rundown of what you've missed:
1. The winner and runner-up of the Kyrgyz Republic district tournament, which was held at knifepoint at Bishkek East Side High School. All elimination-round contestants were rewarded with a promise of a trophy when the revolution dies down, while the top two contenders were allowed to buy a vowel.
2. The recognition of Manchester-Over-the-Hill's coach's lifetime's devotion to forensics. You may not be aware that Mr. Overhill began debating the moment he emerged from the womb, and is still up for a good argument if you mention lawn bowling, ear trumpets or albino bagels.
3. A list of high school seniors going to college. We have added this to our Ripley's Believe it or Not section. The idea of high school seniors going on to college -- wow! What a concept.
4. Flying lessons.
5. Arf Ounder's birthday announcement. Thank you, God.
6. The latest scoop on how to tie your shoes. Future installments of JDF's Forensic Tool Time will address recovering from wedgies, washing the Mountain Dew out of your only shirt using nothing but a small tube of hotel shampoo, and 542 new uses for high school ziti.
7. A new installment of Eacher Beets's series on debate theory.
8. An open casting call for the motion picture production of "Declamation 2: The Revenge of MLK." Previous working title of the film was, "I wouldn't have had a dream if I had known how many freshman were going to repeat it week after week after week after week..." An even earlier working title, "He's Black and He's Mad" is being saved for "Declamation 3: The Michael Jackson Story."
9. A list of former JDF Concentration Camp inmates who escaped into the Tournament of Sham Peons. Look for this under the title "We're only in it for the money."
I hope that this list will instill in you a desire to revisit our site in the near future. We miss you, Mr. Menick. We hope you've missed us.
Your "secure" friend,
Herman Melville, Cub Reporter
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