General: LinkedOut

I continue to suffer through get-off-my-lawn fugue states, lately in the area of social media. I could say that I just don’t get it, but I think that maybe I do get it, and I just don’t care. And I think it’s a generational thing. You know how nowadays if you can’t think of the actor who had a walk-on in a movie you’ve completely forgotten and never liked, all you have to do is turn to Google and you’ll know the actor’s name in less than five seconds, rendering useless that part of our memory in which we used to store such information? I feel the same way about most social media, that it is somehow bringing to the fore people I’ve completely forgotten or never liked, or in many cases never even heard of, or in the cases of people I care for, keeping me abreast of all the parts of their lives in which I have absolutely no interest.

The thing is, users of social media don’t dabble. They embrace. They live it and breathe it. They are like visitors from Uranus who walk among us but thanks to the dynamism of Uranusian communications, are able to stay in touch with their fellow Uranuses and do so to the exclusion of the physical world of the earth. Take Twitter, for instance. People who tweet, at least the ones I know, don’t post to Twitter now and then. They are always on Twitter, accessible through Twitter, and posting on Twitter. Tweet after tweet after tweet.

How to use Twitter (note to self):
1. Got nothing better to do? Turn it on. Look at it until you get confused about what you've already seen and what's new. Turn it off.
2. People you care about? Notify when they tweet via iPhone. (Exclusive to family members.)
3. Wonder who died recently? Turn it on. Check trending.
4. Incremental promotion of CL: Remember to post a bitly link that makes some sense to those constantly in the river of Twitter.

LinkedIn? This one really eludes me. I understand how some people I know might consider me a resource for their careers, especially former students, but the only activity I’ve ever performed via LinkedIn is accepting their invitations to Link In to them. I’ve never given anyone a job, looked for a job, been asked about a potential employee, or anything else remotely related to what I imagine LinkedIn is all about. Oh, and my college keeps telling me that there’s 14 discussions transpiring right now on LinkedIn, which to me is a reminder, never observed, to turn off the feature in LinkedIn where my college can tell me about their LinkedIn discussions.

How to use LinkedIn (note to self):
1. Accept invitations from people you know.
2. Ignore invitations from people you don’t know.

Foursquare? Okay, I have to admit that a couple of times I’ve checked into places and gotten discounts, so that’s a no-brainer. I have had to stop following people who check into everything, including their visits to the mens’ room. If you’re not checking into something interesting, who gives a flying fig?

How to use Foursquare (note to self):
1. Check into unusual places to gain badges, like street fairs and cockfights. It’s the only boost to your self esteem you’ll probably get on a given day. (You get 5 points for your first cockfight.)
2. Check into places when you’re on a debate trip, so that you can find the other people you’re looking for when it’s time to eat.
3. Don’t check into places when you’re not home for a long time. It’s better just to put a big banner outside the chez saying: “Not home. On vacation. Please rob.” I grant you that’s probably a generational response, but I also gather that for the younger generation of females, posting on Foursquare can be an invitation to stalkers, i.e. the antisocial—nay sociopathic—people who only exist on social media.

And then there’s Facebook. I’m more inclined to look at this than any of the others. Probably every three or four days I browse for five or ten minutes, to see if anyone I know got married or had a baby or something. Mostly I see that so-and-so is listening to some obscure group on Spotify, or that they like Colgate toothpaste, or that they’ve commented on Joe Blow’s picture (“Nice picture, Joe Blow”).

How to use Facebook (note to self):
1. Check every few days to see if debate team members have enlisted in the Marines and won’t be showing up for tournaments as previously planned.
2. Accept friend requests. Don’t worry if you don’t know these people. They don’t know you either, so it’s mutual.
3. Direct messages to notify via iPhone. Realistically, Facebook is an excellent phone book slash address book in a world where people change their emails and phone numbers every now and then. Who knew that Facebook would become the Rock of Recognition Gibraltar?
4. See if anyone you know has actually done something interesting. Don’t be disappointed to find that everyone you know is even duller than you thought.

There are probably other social media venues I’m missing. But as you can see, the way I see things, I’m probably not missing much.
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