Breaking news!!!

We here at Coachean HQ have gotten early word on the upcoming Big Jake tournament. To celebrate the impending appointment of former high school debater Sonia Sotomayor (AKA Cardinal Spellman SS) to the Supreme Court, Forensics Directory Jon Cruz has invited the entire court to the tournament to adjudicate rounds, with the following results.

Justice John Paul Stevens has declined the invitation. “I’m too old for that sort of nonsense,” he was quoted as saying. “Hell, he’s too old for pretty much everything,” Director Cruz was reputedly heard to comment.

Justice Stephen Breyer has tentatively accepted the invitation, provided that he is allowed to intervene in the rounds that he adjudicates. “We activist judges need to keep our hand in,” he explained.

Justice Anthony Kennedy remains undecided. His aides have reported that he wouldn’t mind coming, provided that he doesn’t have to offer a paradigm and that he can sit only on multiple-judge panels, so that no matter which way he decides, he is part of the majority.

Chief Justice John G. Roberts will attend. He has, however, insisted that he only be expected to vote for the side representing bare-fisted capitalists, and that no one run Foucault in his presence.

Justice Samuel Alito will do whatever Roberts tells him.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will attend. “Do they still have Jews at Bronx Science?” she asked.

Justice Clarence Thomas could not be reached for comment. Ever.

Justice Antonin Scalia said he wouldn’t miss it for the world. “As long as topicality is the only voting issue that matters,” he claimed, “I’m in. Harms? Solvency? Inherency? Who needs ‘em?”

Tournament Director Cruz is thrilled to have gotten such a response, although he has expressed disappointment that soon-to-be-former Justice Souter has refused his offer to run Congress tab. “You’d think a mook like Souter would kill to run Congress, just once,” Cruz said. In his traditional fashion, Cruz will be assigning the celebrity judges personally during the tournament. “If we let Menick do it, Scalia would be in every round just to punish him. Every time Nino’d get halfway to the free bagels, the next round would be out and he would be on again. And God knows what outrage Menick would level at Justice Thomas.” Cruz is well-known for his vigorous defense of Justices Thomas and Scalia in forensics circles. “Sure,” he says, “they don’t exactly represent my personal point of view, but at least you never have to wonder how they’re going to vote on an issue. I don’t even see why they bother coming in every day, for that matter. They could just call me up and ask me what position makes my blood boil the most, and there they are, every time.”

It is rumored that, for the 2010 contest, Cruz will be enlisting the services of President Barack Obama, Pope Benedict XVI, Hillary Clinton, Leonard Nimoy, Kim Jong-il, Lady GaGa, Tiger Woods and Ashton Kutcher. This blog will report all updates as they happen.