Why I can't retire

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You know, I'd be inclined to send money to these Nigerians if only they were better spellers. If I ever go into the SpamScam business, I promise that everything, including my phony name, will be correctly spelled. Maybe I'm supposed to trust them with my money because their crappy spelling is proof positive that they're really Nigerian? Is that how you can identify a Nigerian in a lineup? "Hey you, number six. Spell Mnemosyne!"

Anyhow, speaking of crappy stuff, I have been amassing tons of it. My office is overflowing with crappy prizes, including a real find, a 1972 Guide to Being a Secretary. I also have Hans Blix's book on how to disarm Iraq. All kinds of good stuff. Which is why I can never retire from the Digest. If I did, I wouldn't have a source of crappy prizes anymore. None of this is Digest stuff, of course, just the detritus that floats up on our shores. By the same token, I can't retire from debate because I keep bringing this stuff home and my house is filled with it, and I have to have something to do with it because I don't think the local sanitation folks would pick it up for love or money. Then again, I could leave it out on bulk pickup day. Neighborhood scavengers will take anything! Finally, someone who really wants my Andrews Sisters LPs.

Craig tells me they're arguing juvey justice at VBI. Talk about chestnuts. I'm pretty sure this was a good topic when we last did it, about 3 weeks ago. It's sort of real. Most judges just decided on the basis of, if one of these two kids killed the other one, would I want to send him to Old Sparky? Nasty SOBs were dropped left and right, while saintly, naive looking puppies picked up like it was going out of style. Try to look innocent! That's the best advice I can give (until I go home and dig up my research). I wouldn't be surprised to see it get voted in, precisely because the coaches won't have to do much work. God, we're a pathetic lot.