88 MPH

You’ve got to love Pfffft. For December, Rippin’ changed the topic wording from websites to Web sites, thus proving that their recruitment goal of filling the position of copy editor remains unachieved. Although Pfffters across the country were forced, when the revised wording was released, to toss their old cases into the bonfire, creating a brilliance of a thousand suns from sea to shining sea, a handful of us who happen to be in the publishing business and understand the concept of accidentals* simply shook our heads.

It turns out that the January Pffft topic was also changed from the original wording. Now it’s Resolved: That, by 2040, the federal government should mandate that all new passenger vehicles and light trucks sold in the United States be powered by alternative fuels. But we here at Coachean HQ have learned that originally it was Resolved: That, by 2040, the federal government should mandate that everyone travel by jet pack.

In a word, the Sailors, disappointed that they would not be arguing personal airborne transportation, are refusing to even consider doing Pffft in January. I understand completely.

There are some serious flaws with the rez as it stands now. 2040? I mean, really. All the extant research points to March 11, 2037, as the actual date. Why wouldn’t Rippin’ follow this approach? And then there’s the vagueness of the term alternative fuels. Does this count coasting from the top of a hill? I mean, if Detroit just builds a lot of hills and puts all their passenger vehicles and light trucks on top of them, they’ll make it to the bottom of the hill with no fuel whatsoever. Just release the brake! Does no fuel count as an alternative fuel? Of course, the copy editor in me wants to ask, alternative to what? Petroleum is an alternative to running on steam, for instance. But of course, alternative fuels is a buzz term and should be treated as such. Thank God Pfffters aren’t LDers, because the theory arguments on the abusive burdens of alternative consequentiality are simply mind-boggling. Idiotic, yes, but nonetheless mind-boggling.

Anyhow, here’s my advice if you’re going to Pfffft in January. Rent the “Back to the Future” trilogy, and then run a Mr. Fusion case. That’s what I’d do, Marty. That, or a hoverboards disad. I’d love a hoverboard, and it’s worth ignoring the no-disads rule to get to ride one. Hoverboards aren’t jet packs, but they’re close. Just don’t get hung up on episode 3 of the trilogy. Mule wagons probably aren’t an alternative to much of anything these days.

Jeesh.

And, okay, here’s my other advice. HAVE PEOPLE VOTE ON THESE TOPICS!!! Give schools some value for their hundred bucks’ worth of registration every year, for pete’s sake. Hell, we all know that about 20 people ever vote for topics in the first place, so it’s not exactly that much of a bureaucratic nightmare (although Rippin’ has tried to nightmare up the LD rezzes, with all that periodic table stuff). Float, say, three topics a month prior to release. Have coaches vote by the 15th. Publish it the first of the next month. If this is too open to abuse, cut the time down. Of course, I’d also like to add a short opportunity to fix wordings, but that’s probably too much to ask. I mean, someday they will fill that open copy editor position, and the poor schmuck will want something to fill the empty hours.

Well, I’ve got to go now. My jet pack is all warmed up, and I’m outta here! Up, up and away!!!!!!


* Non-essential properties, which in typesetting refers to punctuation and capitalization and things like that, and which explains why, for instance, sometimes an editor will without hesitation repunctuate a book written centuries ago, and change spellings, so that modern audiences can understand it clearly. The clearest example of this is English v. American, where not only are colors full of colour, but in England, the quotations close before the period at the end of a sentence as compared to Americans finishing things up with the quotes, differences we routinely change in the publishing of transatlantic texts, making absolutely no difference in the meaning of the material.