Stump the Chump
Dear Chump:
Is it true that Texas debaters spread so much that if a student has fewer than 27 responses to every argument he or she is sent to Guantanamo Bay?
Curious about Lone Star
Dear Curious:
Yes.
The Chump
Dear Chump:
How many times have novice Declamation entries won TOC by mistake?
Thinking about Double Entry
Dear Thinking:
1988 was the closest when Glob Morgenstern, a freshman from Peoria, thinking he was entering his local CFL tournament, mistakenly got on the wrong plane and ended up in Lexington, Ky, where he simply picked up a schematic and walked into a round and started declaiming. He proceeded to win all his rounds, although he was declared ineligible to break because he had eaten kielbasa for lunch for three weeks prior to the tournament, and no one was willing to go on breathing the air in any room in which he was exhaling. Back in Peoria Glob was declared co-state champion in Dec, Policy and Afterdinner Yammering.
The Chump
Dear Chump:
How many mutants have won NFL?
Watson Crick
Dear Watson:
All of them.
The Chump
Dear Chump:
What is the square root of 17223?
Mathematically Disinclined
Dear Math:
Bronx Science, in 1982, 1994 and 2002.
The Chump
Dear Chump:
Has a heretic ever won CatNats?
Torque Yo Mada
Dear Torque:
Heretics are not permitted to debate at CatNats, although in 1997 three agnostics, seven Scientologists, four Essenes and a gypsy did participate undercover by pretending to be the Mormon Tabernacle Choir; at that time, Mormons were officially considered to be Catholics by Pope John Paul II. Only the gypsy made it into late rounds.
The Chump
Dear Chump:
Why doesn’t Michael Bietz like normal music?
Wolfgang Amadeus O’Malley
Dear Wolf:
When Bietz was in second grade, he was abducted by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (the real one, not the faux MTC at CatNats) and subsequently raised by the Osmond Family. This worked to the benefit of all concerned until Donny introduced little Bietzie to Megadeth. Bietz found thrash metal a little too much for his young ears, and escaped the family to live in Seattle with Courtney Love, at which point he auditioned for the part of the Olsen Twins in the band Nirvana. He lost out to Kurt Cobain, and decided instead to become a debate coach.
The Chump
Dear Chump:
Are copies of your Chump photo available for sale as t-shirts, mugs, dart boards or other items of general use?
A Total Fan
Dear A:
Photos of the Chump are not available on common household items or casual clothing, but the Chump will come to your house and sit around looking pensive for $6 an hour if you throw in a bag of chips and unlimited rights to watch “Howard the Duck” on any HD players you may have handy.
The Chump.
2 comments:
"Bronx Science, in 1982, 1994 and 2002."
You have outdone yourself. That is the very funniest thing I have read on here. Period.
At $6 and pensiveness, the amazing part is not that the Chump has his price, but rather that said price is so low.
Post a Comment