A Field Guide to High School Forensics
Judges
Speech judge
(showtunis wannabeum)
Natural habitat:
Judges’ lounge. As a general rule, the showtunis
wannabeum is so afraid of missing judge call that it never ventures more
than three feet from the area where the ballots are distributed, except during
actual judge call, when the showtunis
is inevitably in the bathroom.
Characteristics: Showtunis wannabeum comprises three
separate subspecies. Showtunis wannabeum
coacheum is considered the main line, and has heard teenagers attack Edgar
Allan Poe’s The Raven so often that,
like the poet himself is so often wrongly depicted, they take to alcohol and
opium while generally percolating macabre and murderous thoughts. Showtunis wannabeum exstudenti is a
college student studying the performing arts in preparation for a career in
food service. Showtunis wannabeum
parentis has no idea why they are here, is not sure whether to laugh at the
funny bits, and can’t believe that there is no one else in the building capable
of judging Declamation.
Congress judge
(elsewherium ratherbe)
Natural habitat:
Some other event. An elsewherium that
is specifically assigned to judge Congress is the rarest of specimens. Most
often found in the Speech pool or the PF pool, hiding their heads under their
wings in fear of hearing their names called for Congress duty.
Characteristics:
The elsewherium ratherbe is the most
elusive genus of judge. Occasionally a true elsewherium,
with a history of participating in Congress back in the day, is seen in the
wild, but most elsewherium are the
genetically doomed offspring of other judges: they appear at a tournament
expecting to do one thing, end up doing another thing (i.e., Congress), and
disappear thereafter, never to be seen again. Like magpies, the true elsewherium ratherbe can recognize
itself in a mirror, but refuses to look, out of a sense of personal shame.
PF judge
(loco parentis)
Natural habitat:
Unknown. The loco parentis, having
neither instincts nor education, tends to disappear from whatever venue where
it ought to be located. It’s there, somewhere, but extremely hard to find.
Attempting to summon it via text, email or phone inevitably leads to failure,
and most tab rooms simply go out with a net and capture whatever specimens it
can, rather than searching for specific individuals.
Characteristics:
The loco parentis has as its chief
employment the maintenance of the honesty of the PF division: If the loco were to go extinct, the event that
is its realm would immediately transmogrify into two-person LD, dooming it to
its own long drawn-out but inevitable extinction. The loco parentis seldom knows what it is supposed to do, but even less
seldom admits it. It plans on gathering its young and getting out of here at
the first possible moment, a moment it tends to define differently from the
people running the tournament. Sighting the same loco more than once is a highly prized experience among tab
officials.
LD judge
(readium casecardius)
Natural habitat:
Coaching its students about to enter rounds because, as everyone knows,
cramming before the exam is the best way to deal with the inevitable.
Characteristics: The
readium tends to be only slightly
older than a high school debater, and usually has risen phoenix-like from its
own dubious high school past, which everyone assumes was a lot better than it
really was. Usually unable, regardless of sexual orientation, to find a date
among its peers to, say, go to a movie, it agrees to spend virtually every
weekend back in high school. A subspecies, the readium casecardius notoverit, acts as if it still wants to win the
TOC. A rarer subspecies, the readium
casecardius gerontius, may or may not coach Lincoln-Douglas, has no idea
what anyone said in the round, refuses to read cards in a speaking event, and is
inevitably struck by most of the field, unless there’s a lot judges whose first
name is Mister. The readium casecardius
gerontius is most often found in late out-rounds after everyone else has
left.
Policy judge
(Latin? We ain’t got
no Latin! We don’t need no Latin! We don’t have to show you any stinkin’ Latin!)
Natural habitat:
Habitat? We ain’t got no habitat! We don’t need no habitat! We don’t have to
show you any stinkin’ habitat!
Characteristics: Characteristics?
We ain’t got no characteristics! We don’t need no characteristics! We don’t
have to show you any stinkin’ characteristics!
Student judge
(waytoo
selfimportantia)
Natural habitat:
Attempting to get past the sign on the judges’ lounge that says “Adults Only.”
Characteristics:
The waytoo selfimportantia is a
senior or, occasionally, a junior in high school, who is judging novices, most
likely for the first time. The waytoo
is about as qualified to judge younger students as a sousaphone is qualified to
sort rutabagas. The waytoo knows
exactly how the round should go and what arguments should be made, because the waytoo knows how it would do it, and the
possibility that there might be some other way is inconceivable. During rounds,
the waytoo is often texting, gaming
or listening to Killer Mike rather than flowing, although will never admit to
any of it. As soon as the waytoo makes
a decision, it will then proceed to a critique of the round that is longer than
the round itself, unless someone from the tab room comes in and hits it over
the head with a frying pan.
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