Coachean Debate Dictionary, Installment 3

Judge obligation: 1. The requirement to judge a certain number of rounds as a contingency to your registration. AKA, “Since I’m such a bad judge, you won’t really want me in out rounds,” AKA, “We have to drive a long way to get home, so can we pick up our ballots now,” AKA, “When I didn’t read the registration, I didn’t read that,” AKA, “I’ve never heard of such a thing, but then again, I’ve never been to a debate tournament before and/or I’m a total idiot.”

Mutual Judge Preferences: 1. Both teams rank the judges, and tab finds them their most preferred judge for a round, thus guaranteeing the tragic death of debate as we know it in the US, Canada, the Philippines and the open market.

Community rankings: 1. Everyone attending a debate tournament ranks the judges, and tab places the judges in brackets according to majority rankings, thus guaranteeing the tragic death of debate as we know it in the US, Canada, the Philippines and the open market, albeit at a slower rate than with MJP.

Coin flip: 1. How all sides are determined in break rounds; in LD, if one wins the flip, one can choose to debate either negative or on the losing side. 2. How all sides and precedence in all rounds of PF are determined, except under the purview of the Pope, where sides and precedence are strictly prescribed. (NOTE: In some CFL tournaments other than Nationals, bingo can be substituted for the coin flip.)

Presumption: 1. In Policy debate, the burden of proof that the system must be changed falls on the affirmative, hence the status quo is presumed to be okay as is until determined otherwise in the round, hence there is a “presumption” for the negative. 2. In LD debate, the mistaken idea that LD is policy.

One-clap rule: 1. Instead of people hemorrhaging and participating in virtual orgasms after the announcement of each of their teammates in an award ceremony, the assembled multitudes are limited to one clap per name, except in response to the naming of the winners of an event, in which case hemorrhaging and virtual orgasms will be allowed for up to thirty seconds.

Trophy strut: 1. Ability to walk from one’s seat in the auditorium to the podium in no less than five minutes, moving every part of one’s body except one’s feet, in order to savor the moment, or more to the point, moments.

Bracket: 1. Breakout of who is scheduled to meet whom in which round, so that teams that are larger than the population of North Korea can send troops in to scout the upcoming competition.

Coach-over: 1. When two teams from the same school are scheduled to meet in an elimination round, the coach can choose which team advances. This is usually the team with the better speaker points, unless there is a seniority rule in effect, or some team that is larger than the population of North Korea is trying to break this one and not that one into TOC.

Speaker points: 1. In rounds where the speed is so pervasive that no one understands a word anyone is saying at the time, the random assignment of numbers rating the oratorical ability of each speaker. 2. In rounds where the speed is not so pervasive that no one understands a word anyone is saying at the time, a numbering system from 0 to 30 without any objective criteria, where only some of the numbers are used, often including half points and even tenths of a point, in order to rate the oratorical ability of each speaker. Really. I'm not making this up.

Speaker awards: 1. Recognition of oratorical prowess in activities mostly devoid of oratory.

Bagels: 1. Doughy bread products available only in New York; if a tournament isn’t in New York, whatever that thing is that looks like a bagel, isn’t.

Caffeine: 1. Primary fuel driving the judge pool, available in coffee, tea, carbonated beverages and that stuff like Red Bull that tastes like human waste that costs twice as much (as soda, not twice as much as human waste, which most people can’t even give away). 2. Secondary fuel driving the competitor field, as above. (NOTE: Primary fuel = adrenaline.)

Sleep: 1. What judges do whenever they can, including during rounds. See also texting.

Arrogance: 1. Air breathed by pretty much everyone in the activity.

Individual events: AKA speech. 1. The other stuff people in forensics do, none of which has any value except extemp.

Speech: See Individual events, if you really don’t know what speech is, but why do you care anyhow?

Speechies: 1. Vulgar nickname for participants in speech events.

Speecho-Americans: 1. Correct nickname for participants in speech events, except in other countries, where they would be Speecho-Italians or Speecho-Frenchies or whatever.

Bye: 1. Free win. The later in the tournament you are given one, the more you suck.

Forfeit: 1. Automatic loss, usually given for showing up half an hour late (and blaming everyone but yourself), breaking down in tears halfway through cross-examination, throwing a chair at the judge, throwing a chair at your opponent, throwing a judge at your opponent, texting your coach during prep time and asking for an answer to util, etc.

Util: 1. Water works or electric company.

Rand, Ayn: 1. A name you don’t hear much in debate anymore, so there’s at least one positive result of so-called progressive debate.

Progressive debate: 1. The way I debate, which is the latest thing and way smart and clever, as compared to the way you debate, which isn’t.

TOC: 1. Tournament where you have to pay even if you don’t get in, an idea that you’d think would catch on among cash-strapped schools. 2. Only competitive event held in Kentucky that doesn’t feed its participants bags of oats. In fact, it doesn’t feed its participants anything, another idea that you’d think would catch on among cash-strapped schools.

CFL Nationals: AKA CatNats. 1. Annual speech tournament with marginally different rules from NFL Nationals. (Debate events are also rumored to be offered at CatNats, but so far no objective data has been submitted to support this claim.)

NFL Nationals: AKA NatNats. 1. Don’t know: never been, never gonna go. Don’t ask.

Catholic Forensic League: 1. League for forensics students of all religions to participate in competitions that open with a prayer, to which the correct response, people, is “Amen,” not a round of applause.

National Forensic League: 1. League for forensics students throughout the country, except the northeast.