ForensiCapades!

Yes, it’s the first annual ForensiCapades, coming soon to an ice skating rink near you!

For years, forensics coaches, students and bus drivers, all of whom are committed devotees of the Ice Capades, have been demanding their very own Capades dedicated to the activity they love the most. And now, Judd Apatow, Danny Boyle and James Cameron, with the posthumous assistance of Stanley Kubrick and a host of other dead people, have joined forces to fulfill that dream. The water has been poured and frozen, the skates have been sharpened, the sequins have been sewn on the toreador pants, and the ForensiCapades are a reality.

Starring in this inaugural event on the ice is—

I’m sorry. I can’t go on. There’s nothing funny about ForensiCapades. It is, in fact, one of the saddest aspects of our activity, that neither on the national circuit, on the college trail nor in local events is there even a hint of what has made Capades important in the first place. We argue about evidence and theory and resolutions and tabbing practices, but do we care about splits and triple axels and former Olympic stars dressed up as Disney cartoon characters? It is a failing of our community that, even in the dead of winter when the ice is already as high as an elephant's eye, when we pack for a tournament with 3 suits, 5 ties, 2 computers and enough underwear to get us through basic training at Parris Island, we never once think to throw in our skates, our short skirts, or our ankle warmers. And I, for one, have had enough!

Please join me in signing the petition that will begin circulating this month at tournaments throughout the country demanding that henceforth all debating be done on the ice, on skates, according to the rigid NFL (National Frozen League) Capades rules. This will apply to LD, Policy and PF. (Mavericks will be permitted, but they will have to toss themselves into the air and then catch themselves on the way down to qualify.) There is still time to bring the Capades spirit to forensics! Don’t turn your back on the greatest need in our activity. Sharpen your pencil and sign the petition. Then we can all sharpen our skates and head out to explore the true meaning of forensics.

(Offer not available in Canada, Iran or downtown Philadelphia.)