Dear Mr. Menick:
Hi. I am not you, and am fine, which you may or may not be.
My role here at WTF Summer Camp is expanded from what it has been in the past. Instead of merely filling the imported water bottles with good old fashioned L.A. tap, helping the instructors with their fashion choices (no mean feat, let me tell you) and working on my lecture on the social disease as a post-colonialist construct, I am in charge of alternate public relations. As you well know, the WTF website is filled with information about who brushed their teeth this morning, who didn’t eat their vegetables at dinner last night, and who thinks Habermas makes even a little sense. But this leaves out the stuff which you may feel is really important, so I am sending you this update, which you might wish to post on your own website, since ours is already too filled up as it is. It’s only the headlines, but I think they indicate a side of our institute that is not ordinarily seen by the parents, who are usually thrilled that their kids are out of the house so that the real summer vacation can begin.
Breaking News: Sunday’s Nine-Bean Dinner Entrée Proves Existence of the Carminative Effect
Winningest Winner in the History of Winning Loses Demo Debate with Random Car Mechanic Who Drifted onto Campus in Search of Ratchet Wrench
Genuine Photo of Last Debater to Arrive in Camp. (His Luggage is Scheduled to Arrive Possibly by next Friday, but then again, maybe not)
Novice Division Tours Paris Hilton Jail Cell to Get Taste of True Existential Despair. Experiment Works as Half of Class Quits Camp and Returns Home No Doubt Debilitated for Life
George W. Bush Finds Sole Supporter of Iraq War Leading Lab at WTF and Makes Him General of the Army
Send Your Birthday Greetings to Your Favorite Instructor, and if it’s His or Her Birthday, Even Better
Smithsonian Commandeers O’C Argyle Sweater for Permanent Display in History Museum
Entire Student Body Passes Philosophy Test with Flying Colors by Correctly Spelling the Words Social Contract
Sheriff Reports that Rumor of Local Motel Owners Dressing Up as their Mothers During Morning Showers is False
Entire Camp Expected to Stop Dead in its Tracks on July 21 when 243 Copies of HARRY POTTER AND THE WONDER WARTHOGS Arrive Special Delivery from Amazon.com
No, No, Camp Directors Insist; Somebody Really Does Care About all this Bologna.
There's more, but that should be enough for now. Enjoy the rest of your summer.
Your friend,
Herman Melville
Director of Alternate Reality
WTF Summer Camp and Chowder Society
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