In which we point out how the DisAd will transpire

We have established some guidelines for DisAd14, which begins in exactly 6 weeks.

First of all, everyone must go on “it’s a small world.” If we have to, we’ll strap people to the mast of the boat, Odysseus-style. And we will not allow Kate to arm herself with a slingshot.

We will not be hiring a wheelchair-bound person to get front-of-the-line access to the attractions. Apparently the Disney organization is now wise to this ruse, and only lets wheelchair-bound people do “it’s a small world” and the Hall of the Presidents. (Then again, if O’C decides not to come, maybe I’ll give Abhi a call, just to sound him out on things.)

We will not tweet every time a certain person on the trip squeals like a 12-year-old girl. We can’t afford the extra data charges.

We will make no snide comments when O’C goes off to get Cinderella’s autograph. Again. (Well, let’s be realistic: we will make no more than five minutes of snide comments, promise.)

JV will not swear once in the presence of a poor innocent child. (He will swear multiple times.)

Seriously, members of the DisAd will be allowed to wander off at will, despite the fact that I have planned out every single second of the trip from the moment of arrival, including potty breaks, catnaps, snacks, sips of water (not so many that they incur extra potty breaks), eye-rolling, mad dashes through the crowds at the end of the day to get on the buses first honed through years of speed-walking through tourist-thronged Manhattan streets, etc.

If anyone falls behind my schedule, we will abandon them without a qualm. This is war, people. Bloody feet don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Speaking of which, with any luck the mini-golf game of me, JV, Kt and Richard will not result in bloodshed. Or at least too much bloodshed. However, it will no doubt be the most serious segment of the trip. This is not a foursome that wishes the other player well. (“Your ball went into the ditch and was carried away by red ants and dropped in front of that rattlesnake? Well, the rules say, play it as it lies. Here, have a tourniquet.”)

We will not lie and say things like, no, that elevator in the Tower of Terror is just decorative, all you do is walk around the hotel and look at the dust and then come out the back. People are still complaining that at the DiDeAd we failed to mention anything about a certain Everest descent going backwards...

We will not wait for an hour in Diagon Alley for the Gringotts ride and then whine that we preferred it back in the olden days when it was the Jaws ride.

If certain members of the DisAd decide to drink their way across the world at Epcot, we will not discourage them, especially if they’ve beaten us at minigolf earlier in the week and we think we can trick them into playing again, this time completely intoxicated, for double or nothing.

We will not complain that we’re getting up every morning at the crack of dawn. This is a vacation, people. If you want to relax, go back to work.