Public Service Announcement

Important information for non-Catholics attending CatNats this weekend

Over the years at CFL events, local and national, I have seen non-Catholics make the same mistakes over and over when confronted with the practices of the practicing. For those of other faiths heading to Philadelphia this weekend, here are a few helpful hints.

1. More likely than not, at some point over the weekend the proceedings will break into prayer. The correct response when the prayer is over, if you feel compelled to respond at all, is to say the word “amen,” not to break into enthusiastic applause. Roman Catholic churches, as a general rule, do not have light-up Applause signs next to their pulpits.
2. If you run into Kevin Tidd, a Benedictine monk who is a member of the diaconate preparing for the priesthood, the correct form of address is, “Holy moly, you coached Zachary Quinto?”
3. Pope Francis is infallible only when he is at work, so to speak, defining issues of faith or morality. Papal infallibility does not extend to the staffs running the CatNats tabrooms. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t bother questioning them if I were you.
4. Catholics are obligated to attend weekly mass, which the tournament directors will make available over the weekend at convenient times when there are no rounds. Non-Catholics, just because they have qualifited for CatNats, are not obligated to attend mass, even if your Duo partner is Catholic and especially if your piece is The Book of Mormon.
5. Regarding IEs, if your piece is from the Index Librorum Prohibitorum, the highest rank you can achieve in any round is a 2. Deal with it. Also, the odds are high that, if you have offensive material in your piece of any sort, at least one of the judges in the room will indeed be offended by it. Hello? Catholic Forensic League? If your piece is vile, sacrilegious and pornographic, it is more appropriate to perform it at the Non-Catholic Forensic League finals next month in Birmingham. They live for that sort of thing.
6. During the Depression, the church declared that in certain areas, because of the lack of alternatives on meatless Fridays, possum was not considered a meat. (I'm not making this up.) In present-day Philadelphia, however, possum is considered a meat. Whether this information will be useful to you over the weekend remains to be seen: did you order the Saturday lunch from the League?