Breaking Wind News: Cruz and Bronx Science Do NOT Win Any “X of the Year” awards from CFL

In a shocking development in their otherwise banner year, Jon Cruz and his Bronx Science students will not be winning any particular acknowledgment from the Catholic Forensic League at the upcoming CatNats event. “For one thing,” an unnamed source close to the Vatican revealed, “I don’t think even one of them is a bloody Catholic.”

Earlier this season, the Bronx team won the coveted “Waffle House” trophy from TOC (which comes smothered, covered, battered, doused, soused, chunked, clunked, diced, sliced, peppered, salted, capped, snapped, slapped, divorced, beheaded, and died), and only this week coach Cruz was cited by the National Football League (editor—check?) as the “Coach Most Eager to Enter Points For Things Most Coaches Don’t Know You Get Points For.”

“We would have liked to sweep,” Cruz admitted to CL reporter Herman Melville, “but alas, it was not to be.” The CFL is notoriously parsimonious when it comes to awarding special recognition beyond the 8037 awards it does bestow at their annual event, in an award ceremony that takes longer than the tournament (and, it should be noted, which ends by the sight of white smoke arising from the tab room chimney). Pope emeritus Benny the Semifallible is expected to attend the awards this year, an extra disappointment for Cruz and his team. “I like to think of Benedict XVI as the Walter Mondale of the papacy,” Cruz said, “although I’m not quite sure why. His retirement came as a real blow to the team and to me personally.” Cruz was pensive for a moment. “But I’m not quite sure why,” he added.

Rumors that the Malcolm A. Bump tournament’s "Annual Jon Cruz Award, Given Annually to Jon Cruz for No Particular Reason" award may not be awarded this year are unsubstantiated. (Are there too many appearances of the word award in that sentence?) However, the board of bumpian governors is at this very moment meeting in camera to talk about something, and maybe it’s that. Then again, maybe not.