Breaking wind news!

The Board of Governors of the Kingdom of Sail are pleased to announce the following changes for the 2010 Bump Tournament:

Round One, formerly known as Round One, will now be known as the Hamlet P. Buglaroni Tutorial.

Round Two, formerly known as Round Two, will now be known as the Rupert Murdoch Pay-As-You-Go Tribute. (A fee of $2 per debater will be charged to attend this round, which will be broadcast live on MySpace.)

Round Three, formerly known as Round Three, will now be known as the O’C Disco Ball Exegesis.

Round Four, formerly known as the Yes Virginia 7:30 Round, will now be known as the Yes Virginia 7:30 Remedial.

Round Five, formerly known as the How Many Rounds Are There Again Round, will now be known as the Is There Another Round After This Round Meditation.

Round Six in novice LD, formerly non-existent, will now be known as The Still Non-existent Sixth Round.

Round Six in VLD, formerly known as the Will This Thing Ever End Round, will now be known as the Wilbur and Orville Wright From Wrong Wround Wrobin.

There will be no elimination rounds. However, random debaters will be chosen from all the entries almost by preliminary ranking, to participate in the following:

The Ron Paul Pointless Demonstration Debate (32 participants)
The Derrida is Still Dead (Thank God) Loaner Model (16 participants)
The Eliot Spitzer/Mark Sanford Ethics Seminar (8 participants, 18 or older please, unless accompanied by an adult chaperone)
The Rufus T. Firefly “Hail Freedonia” (4 participants, all of them brothers)
The Alex Trebek Daily Double (2 participants, with all CX answers in the form of a question)
The Will You People Please Go Home so that I can go to India House (0 participants)

Also, this year, we will begin honoring the coaches who have paid us the most money historically in registration fees. Honorees will be given an authentic replica Willy Wonka Golden Ticket, allowing them entry into the Bump Hall of Horrors, and will be entitled to refer to themselves as the Barons of Bumpetry. They will also get to adjudicate, as a group, the Alex Trebek Daily Double, provided that they haven’t judged a debate round since the Truman administration, they really should be judging Dec, and there’s someone over in the corner giving them hand signals on who is actually winning the debate, which will be entirely devoted to theory, specifically that naming debate rounds reduces the amount of education in the world, and that it’s better to number them irrationally than to name them irrationally, but hell, what do we know?

For further information on the history of the Bump Tournament, please consult Stump the Chump. We here at Coachean Life want nothing to do with it.