Just in time for the end of session one at WTF, Coachean Life is proud to offer the following debate action figures, each lovingly handmade by machine at Coachean HQ, each an original simulacrum of a work of art, MADE JUST FOR YOU! Standing exactly 11.5 inches high, these 1/6 scale dolls will fit any spare Barbie or Ken clothes you may have lying around, although we recommend that, in the interest of identity politics, you dress the figures in gender-appropriate clothing, given that most of them are confused enough already. Just send $39.95 (plus $29.95 shipping and handling) to this website for each figure wanted. Pretty cheap, eh? (Don’t bother to send your home address, as we’re just going to keep your money and tell you the figures got lost in the mail.)
The complete list of Series #1 of the Debate Action Figures for 2009:
The J. W. action figure: comes with accessory list of names of clearing debaters, all of which it pronounces incorrectly, including the names Smith, Jones, and Patterson.
The Victor-E action figure: comes with accessory sister action figure, with which it argues incessantly.
The O’C action figure: comes with accessory collection of antique trophies; we recommend you glue this action figure to the shelf, as it tends to wander off.
The ivy-covered Palmer action figure: comes with accessory crashed MacBook, over which it peers while muttering, “I’ll have what he’s having.”
The JV action figure: comes with accessory evil eye; we recommend you keep this action figure away from any debater action figures, which it tends to scare to death, thus voiding any implied warranties from the manufacturer.
The Do Bee action figure: comes with accessory ballot premarked for the wrong side; this action figure is the only one in the series capable of striking itself from the field.
The Little Jake action figure: comes carrying accessory miniature version of itself, which will act as a trophy named after itself. Please note that the miniature version of the Little Jake is also carrying a miniature version of itself, etc., etc.. thus illuminating both the concept of infinity and the concept of having attended way too many tournaments in four short years.
The Craven Savage action figure: comes with no accessories, and in fact, doesn’t exist, but this is the action figure with the best name of the group.
The Hockaday Boys' School action figure: Sorry, sold out.
The Bietz action figure: comes with accessory set of endless gadgets, this figure mostly sits in the corner and grunts.
The Hammy action figure: comes with accessory Mitt mitts, this figure mostly sits in the corner and grunts about Democrat liberal commies.
The Coachean action figure: comes with accessory tabroom, this figure mostly sits in the corner and grunts about the other action figures.
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