Facets of the Gem of Harlem

Columbia was hard work. We had two divisions of LD, which means entering and preparing a hundred ballots. On Saturday the divisions were staggered, which meant that when one went out, the next one came in. We did that at Yale one year with the same end result: no let-up in tab. Add to that at Gem that we did PF, a field of about 50, on yet some other schedule. 17 different rounds of something or other, simultaneously or staggered. I assure you I was simultaneously staggering throughout the weekend. I’m surprised we got anyone anywhere even remotely on time. Fortunately CP provided me with a great partner, his local District Chair, who wanted to gain some E-TRPC experience. How much experience he got on the program is problematic, but he certainly saw trench warfare at its finest.

We did have a schedule glitch, which caused us to update somewhere in the middle of things. For some reason, when this happens, people expect you to tell them personally, preferably with embossed type on the finest of stock, hand-delivered to their tub at the spa. The fact that you announce it in the auditorium doesn’t seem to be sufficient. “This was never announced,” they tell you, to which you respond, “Actually, it was, because I was there when they announced it,” to which is replied, “Well, you can’t expect us to be in the auditorium, which is your central clearing and ballot area where all information is distributed,” to which is replied, “Wouldn’t you be better off coaching your high school’s Future Ant Farmers of America team where you could do less harm to tomorrow’s youth?”

They need better locks on the tab room doors. At Columbia, and everywhere else. Who lets these people in, anyhow? And where was Vaughan when we needed him? He is sooooo good at explaining to people that their vacuity is not only not an excuse in the present case, but should be a prima facie rationale for why they should never be allowed to reproduce, as the world is simply not large enough to encompass a whole family of people as stupid as they are. All I could to is point them to CP and hope that a little JV has rubbed off on him over the years. As was clearly pointed out over the weekend, if there was a problem, it was CP’s fault. We tabbers are merely tools the instruments behind the scenes at a the tournament. As a tool instrument, I was completely unable to answer even the simplest question. And for your edification, here is, indeed, the simplest question (which someone really asked): "Are the speaker awards determined by speaker points?"

One problem we had was a serious plague of judges not picking up ballots, mostly in JV. Columbia was fining schools right and left, and giving ballots out to the hireds, who were there in great profusion, but at some point coaches (and this was almost inevitably coaches) need to take some responsibility for their side of a tournament. When everyone is held captive in the same building, as at a high school, where there’s no place to go, judges show up because, well, hell, what’s the alternative. In New York, the alternative would appear to be gallivanting around New York or soaking in that tub of spa mud. Or at least hiding out from the ballot table. It is, in a word, bad form. And to be honest, it tends to be repeat offenders. We know who you are!And why do parent judges think that their obligation ends when their interest in doing the job ends? And why do teams think that their judges can show up starting with round 2 when their teams inevitably show up starting with round 1? This makes for an interesting example of deontology v. consequentiality. If we make a general moral law that it is ok not to judge round 1, no one will feel a responsibility to do their obligated job. Or, if no one shows up to judge round one, we can’t conduct the round. Voila: the difference between Kant and Mill.

Meanwhile, my team managed to lose our buses for the weekend for some reason or other, which meant the Sailors were taking trains back and forth, no easy gig by any stretch of the imagination. Kudos to Termite’s dad who handled these arrangements. Given that we weren’t getting out of the tab room before midnight, we tools instruments were staying in the city. It was little enough sleep as it was. A train ride on top of it would have been the proverbial kiss of death. But even buses are problematic. Next year we’ll probably all stay in town. It will cost more, but that just means we have to sell more bean sandwiches at Bump.

Coming up this weekend is a nice, easy MHL. Small, dainty, compact, one-day. Then Scarsdale, where we have the Varsity judging the Novices, always a crowd-pleaser. Then a blessed weekend off. After which, it’s playoff season. Regionals, then CFL Grands, then Districts. Sharpen your brains, folks. The serious stuff is at hand.