You know, I had thought we’d heard the last of this guy, but out of the blue…
Dear Mr. Menick:
How are you? I am fine. Thanks for asking.
We here at “the Parris Island of LD” are just about winding down now. Normally we broadcast a lot of hourly updates to keep family and friends apprised of what’s happening in our “mental basic training,” but this year, what with all the work going on with our new website, we just haven’t bothered (aside from posting the various arrest notices as they’ve occurred).
Yes, you heard it right. We are putting together a new website. I knew you would be thrilled about that.
Of course, we will continue all our normal coverage of tournaments around the country with pictures of schematics fresh from the printer and shout-outs of everyone who could afford to show up, plus our ruminative features like the “Our Head Is Empty Today Thread,” which I know is one of your personal favorites, not to mention our rotating header photos that occasionally include even you, which we only do because we know that normally your blood pressure is low and mellow, and we think occasionally you need to kick it up a notch. But also, we are proud to announce the following new features:
Coach Cribs: Is it true that most coaches live in doublewides with little more than a mattress on the floor, a six-pack of Bud Light, a year’s supply of Kraft macaroni and cheese, and a dog-eared copy of “The Social Contract for Dummies”? Our trips behind the doors of the the most famous faces on (drum roll) the circuit (end drum roll) will enlighten, enervate, and generally scare the bejesus out of most of our readers.
Pimp My Case: We have developed incredible new software that does what most debaters have only dreamed of. Simply submit any case into our Pimper (for a nominal fee) -- we prefer cases with three contentions, a simple and clear value structure, and a heavy reliance on John Locke and John Stuart Mill -- and within five minutes our software will turn it into a fully operative poststructuralist kritik quoting philosophers even we’ve never heard of, guaranteed to embarrass almost any judge on the circuit to granting you a win out of fear of admitting he or she hasn’t got a clue to what you’re talking about.
The Iron Debater: Meet our team of Iron Debaters: Derek Malfoy, Cantwait Parkyercarcass, and Tara Gonewiththewind, all fully risen former stars of (drum roll) the circuit (end drum roll). Each week a different unrisen present debater challenges one of our iron debaters to a match mano a mano, with only one hour to pick up the ballots from our panel of five non-English-speaking parent judges. This week’s Iron Debater ingredient: Objectivism!
We also have in progress for introduction later in the season a spinoff of “The O.C.” entitled “The OC,” the podcast horror story of a homeless young Jewish New Yorker who finds himself trapped on a California beach surrounded by endless starlets in thong bikinis, “Bietz on a Plane,” which is a self-explanatory attempt to reference the movie of the moment without going into a long diatribe about high concept, and finally a weekly advice column from Ann Coulter, where the noted pundit will help you find arguments against pretty much everything you even marginally believe in.
I hope you will enjoy visiting our new website when it is launched as much as we enjoyed creating it just for you, our biggest fan.
Your friend,
Herman Melville
Camp Counselor
No comments:
Post a Comment