Tuesday, August 15, 2017

In which we discover a new app for tabbing

This is pretty interesting. It turns out that Google Vestigial has just announced a new all-in-one app for tabbing debate tournaments called, in an explosion of creativity, Mobile Tab App, or MTA. Actually, it sounds pretty good.

·      All registration is done directly by students via their Snapchat accounts. Prospective attendees will be removed from the waitlist based solely on the creativity of their photo filters. Rabbit ears are almost guaranteed to keep you home for the weekend.

·      Judges are automatically ranked for MJP using data analysis provided by Google. All of a judge’s emails, texts, Amazon shopping record, Facebook likes and sites browsed over a ten year period will be evaluated and compared to each debater’s emails, texts, Amazon shopping record, Facebook likes and sites browsed over a ten year period. Instagram photos of last night’s dinner and sites with naughty bits will not be factored into the calculus.

·      The tab room staff, when they are ready to pair a round, will simply press a START button. Failure to press this button in an appropriate fashion will cause the entire tournament to storm the tab room and demand satisfaction.

·      Teams and judges will be notified about their rounds via text, with Google map instructions on how to get to their rooms, plus numbers to call when the room is locked, one of the debaters is vomiting too much to proceed, or either side, or neither side, or the judge, doesn’t show up.

·      Fines for missed rounds will be immediately levied via Google Play or the Apple Store, and may or may not be rescinded, but just try to argue with the Apple Store if you have a complaint. Just try.

·      The app will provide instruction for newbie judges (those whose first names are Mr. or Mrs.) via Bluetooth and undetectable hearing appliances. The app will listen to what the debaters are saying, and translate it from Debate Gobbledygook into something vaguely resembling English (or whatever language the newbie judge happens to understand, in the likely event that English is not familiar to them). In the Advanced Mode, the app will analyze what’s being said and provide counsel on who should win and how many speaker points to apply. In the Super Advanced Mode, the app will play Justin Bieber songs directly into the ears of the judge and not even pretend to be paying attention.

·      The app will analyze all evidence as it is presented in the round. In cases of misrepresentation, clipping, fudging, and downright mendacity, the losing horn from The Price is Right will play at top volume. Muting this sound is not an option. Alternately, a judge can choose any sound bite from a Trump news conference as the preferred bullshit alarm.

·      The app can be set to flow the entire round, up to a limit of 117 meaningless blips per speech.

·      A special version of the app is available solely for the Galaxy Note 7 phone, which will be issued to judges who tend to give critiques longer than the actual rounds. These phones will be locked in the judges’ pants pockets. The longer the judge rambles on, the hotter the phone gets. The management takes no responsibility for damage done to the judges private parts, if any. (If any damage, that is, not if any private parts.)

·      Observers of the round who harass the judges will find that their wifi has suddenly become dicky, and it will remain so until said harassers are halfway back to wherever they came from.

·      The app is hot-linked to OpenTable so that tab room staff doesn’t have to leave its home program anymore as they plan lunch/dinner/elevenses/tiffin/carousing/etc.

·      For debaters, there is a function for rating the tournament’s debate ziti as detestable, despicable, or, the highest ranking, marginally digestible.

·      A Luddite alert will sound if for some reason a judge in a round is not using the app. This raises the question, How does it know? Users who think that it begs the question, How does it know, have no idea what the phrase “begs the question” means.

·      The app will automatically notify the TOC whenever debaters in the round ought to get a bid. If the debaters are so-so but look plaintive enough, the notification will be for a silver bid. If the debater is a middle-schooler, the app will automatically enroll them in the TOC as soon as a payment is by the obnoxious parents of the debater of a $200 finder’s fee.

·      The app automatically records points with the NFL. Unfortunately, the NSDA won’t ever hear about it.

·      There’s a prime number generator. Apparently this was created solely for Chris Palmer, who will otherwise have nothing to do with all the free time this app will generate for him.


No comments: