In which we share our only slightly fictionalized email

The following are from my emails, more or less, mostly sent during the Super Bowl, when, shockingly, I wasn’t reading them.

“Hi. We are an abject team of lost souls from an extremely expensive and/or elite private school whose parents figure they can buy anything, including non-existent judges. Do you really mean it when you say there are no judges for hire? Is it all right if our undocumented housekeeper covers our JV entry?”

“Hi. We are the biggest school in forensics in the country, and not one of our alums is willing to judge for us this weekend, even if we pay them, because their experience at our school is one they will be spending the rest of their lives trying to forget. So you’re kidding when you suggest that this is somehow our fault, right? And, please, we insist on getting hired judges.”

“My judges are coming, I promise you, only I don’t quite know their names yet. Is that all right? One of them went to Central Southeastern North HS, if I’m not mistaken. Or maybe not.”

“I bought a plane ticket for this person on the assumption that having a plane ticket would guarantee entry into the tournament. Now what am I supposed to do?”

“You are having too many rounds, and making my life miserable. If I’m going to pay for this tournament, can’t you make it shorter and faster?”

“Hi. I’m just catching up on my January emails. Are you serious about this whole freezing fees business? Is that really tonight?”

“This is my very first tournament, and I haven’t a clue what to do. I realize that it is late in the process, but could you please explain everything to me in excruciating detail?”

“I registered myself as an independent unaffiliated entry. Your rule refusing independent unaffiliated entries violates my civil, natural and human rights. Why haven’t you accepted my entry?”

“I started registering my teams yesterday. Is there some reason I got put on the bottom of the waitlist?”

"You instructions for ballot is unclear. I do not see ballot on my Apple or Android advice. I am so too confused. Can't you English speak like normal a person. Feh on you and your offspring for a thousand generations, or until Trump blow up planet, whichever come first."

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