Tournament Trading Cards Series II

Hey, kids! Collect them all!

#407 The Spa Client

Famous quote: “I can’t believe they don’t have wireless in this high school! What kind of ghetto is this?”

Distinguishing characteristics: Facial expression reminiscent of having sucked way too many lemons, including narrowed eyes and pinched lips.

Habitat: Standing behind you every time you turn around.

Details: The Spa Client does not understand that public high schools may not have all the amenities he or she is used to. The Spa Client will complain about everything from the lack of a hot, nutritious gourmet lunch to the timbre of the voice of the person conducting the award ceremony, and will recommend unsolicited solutions to all of these issues. That the Spa Client’s own school has none of the amenities being demanded seems to be beside the point.

Handling tips: Agree with a hearty tsk, tsk, and then disappear quickly. The longer you discuss the issues, the greater the number of issues that will arise. Hitting the spa client over the head is not an option.

#482 The Helpful Sadist

Famous quote: “You should join the basket weaving team because you were born to not debate.”

Distinguishing characteristics: Numerous scars from early in debate career when people were advising that the Helpful Sadist should join the basket weaving team.

Habitat: Standing in the tab room looking innocent.

Details: The Helpful Sadist, on judging first-time novices, discovers that they are not particularly good debaters. Holding back the shock at this discovery, the Helpful Sadist proceeds to explain how the debaters are probably hopeless and should seek a suitable outlet for their hopelessness outside of forensics. As a result of these oral critiques, the debaters break down into tears and enter states of permanent depression.

Handling tips: The Helpful Sadist inevitably explains that he or she was only trying to provide useful advice to the fledgling debater. When it is pointed out that the fledgling debater has gone over the edge and is presently threatening the lives of the entire student body with a railway share, and that maybe the Helpful Sadist might want to reconsider how to give wonderful advice to newbies in the future, the Helpful Sadist repeats that he or she was only trying to provide useful advice. Rinse. Repeat. Sigh.

#429 Monsieur Flaubert

Famous quote: “You will have my ballots when I am done crafting every perfect word of them, and not a moment before!”

Distinguishing characteristics: Although age has withered and custom staled M. Flaubert in most respects, this judge, a first-timer, has not acquired any wisdom to accompanying his or her advanced years. Flaubert is cantankerous, and knows better than anyone what ought to be going on in a debate round. Usually seen with a bottle of prune juice.

Habitat: In the room that was the site of the last round, refusing to budge for the people scheduled for this round.

Details: Nothing, absolutely nothing, can speed up M. Flaubert. Flaubert, despite having neither clue one nor clue two, seems to believe that every clue has been carefully collected and sorted, and anyone would know that the pearls being put down on that ballot are worth the wait. You need the room again? So soon? Well, sonny, you’ll just have to wait. I should be done before sunset.

Handling tips: Remove this judge from round 2. And round 3. And round 4.

#491 The Helpful Hand

Famous quote: “Anything you need me to do, I’m yours. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I have to leave in half an hour.”

Distinguishing characteristics: This parent signs up early for all work details, and is willing to do anything from judging varsity policy to cleaning the bathrooms with a toothbrush. Except they have to leave early, sorry about that.

Habitat: Going out the door.

Details: After you’ve got all the assignments worked out, and the tournament is under way, the Helpful Hand tells you that he or she has other things to do, and they’ll see you when they see you, ciao and thanks for all the fish.

Handling tips: Take it out on their kids. Flogging is one option.

#408 The Odd Coincidentalist

Famous quote: “The name of the judge on the ballot is my hideous ex-husband. Os that a coincidence? Could that be intended for me? Or is there another person judging here today whose name is Spawn of Satan?”

Distinguishing characteristics: Remarkably willing to share all the intimate details of her former unfortunate marriage, including why she doesn’t want to be reminded of it.

Habitat: Sniffing around the ballot table.

Details: Her kid signed up a random parent, and the other random parent actually came to the tournament. For reasons unknown, rather than just picking up the ballot that is obviously intended for her, the divorcee wants everyone in the building to understand that THE MARRIAGE IS OVER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH SO DON’T MAKE ME TAKE OUT A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST THIS TOURNAMENT, YOU WILL USE MY MAIDEN NAME OR ELSE!!!

Handling tips: Offer her the number of your analyst.