Tuesday, June 06, 2006

EXTRA: Team Spotlight: Macon-Bacon Institute for the Terminally Insane

Graceland, Memphis, TN - Coachean Life exists to undermine the raw underbelly of the community that brings together debaters, coaches, parents, sex offenders, Republicans, mouse whisperers, illegal aliens, illegal citizens, apache dancers and alumni from across the country. Team Spotlight features programs from down the alley and behind the chicken wire — schools that compete locally, statewide, nationally, interplanetarially, and/or intergalactically and interdimensionally — and celebrates the great students, great coaches, and great teams that sit still long enough to get their pictures taken. This week, since the alternative is posting reviews of Star Trek — Dance Fever mashups, I’ll be featuring a Team Spotlight every day. For today’s piece, I was able to chat with Veebie Dee (windy@FarTripper.com) to learn more about the forensics program at Macon-Bacon Institute.

PROGRAM: Macon-Bacon Institute
BASE OF OPERATIONS: The Fluffernutter kitchen annex, Graceland, Memphis, TN

DIRECTOR OF FORENSICS: Veebie Dee (Debate Gladiator)
ASSISTANT COACHES: Friar Tuck (In and out of terps), Rebecca of Sunnybrook Center for Disease Control (LD DB8), James Felafel (X-Man), Sean Didaway With Seeds (Refractory), Cunning Debbie Ham (Sandwiches), Tommy Thompson (Support hosiery), Liz Taylor (Husbands)

NUMBER OF ACTIVE MEMBERS: “We currently have 35 members of our team – very large, because we feed them a lot of fluffernutters, and as a result, they grow like mushrooms. We are only at 300 in our Upper School, but there would be more if the rest of the town's population could find the stairs; there's a good 4329 in the Lower School. We are very small in the grand scheme of things, because other schools around here eat chili dogs AND fluffernutters, and we simply can't compete mano a mano with that kind of lunch budget. None the less, we have boosted the top-ranked team in the Mid-Atlantic District out the window, and no one has ever missed them. We have over 234 degrees, but since no one on our team understands how NFL degrees actually work, we are not sure if this is good or bad. We have had five Quintuple Rubies, two of whom are currently rising seniors, the other three of which were stolen off the persons of PF Debaters who were lost at last year's NFL Finals and who, like our top-ranked team, have yet to be missed.”
EVENTS: “We compete in all NFL and CFL events, except for Gangsta Rap.”


CURRENT STRENGTH OF NFL CHAPTER: We bench press way more than Pat Robertson
DEGREES LAST YEAR: 98.6
DEGREES THIS YEAR: 100 Celsius
DISTRICT: Yeah, but dis aint as strict as dem uddas


Bubba Chut: What has been your proudest achievement as a coach?
Veebie Dee: Avoiding Jon Cruz up until today.

BC: What is the most important issue facing the debate community today?
Veebie Dee: Not enough donuts in the judges' lounges.

BC: If you could change one thing about forensics, what would it be?
Veebie Dee: Students should be paid for their efforts, at least twice the minimum wage, plus expenses.

JC: Tell us a little bit about the history of debate at Macon-Bacon Academy.
Veebie Dee: What can I tell you that you can't read in the latest issue of Juvenile Delinquincy Today?

A student reflects:
"If it wasn't for forensics at Macon-Bacon, I'd be a free man today."

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sure Bubba Chut will make some post about how he takes offense to this. On the subject of how ridiculous VBD can be/is, what ever happened to our pal Herman Melville? Maybe he was crushed under the weight of the Bronx Science Trophy of Champions, but if not I'd love to hear from him.

BC will probably take offense to this post too. Five bucks mine is more offensive.

Anonymous said...

Nah, I just laughed so hard it's not even funny. The problem is, I disrupted the students who are supposed to be taking this exam in the same room as me.

Unknown said...

The only true Bacon Institute can be found at http://www.BaconInstitute.com.