This is pretty interesting. It turns out that Google
Vestigial has just announced a new all-in-one app for tabbing debate
tournaments called, in an explosion of creativity, Mobile Tab App, or MTA. Actually,
it sounds pretty good.
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All registration is done directly by students
via their Snapchat accounts. Prospective attendees will be removed from the
waitlist based solely on the creativity of their photo filters. Rabbit ears are
almost guaranteed to keep you home for the weekend.
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Judges are automatically ranked for MJP using
data analysis provided by Google. All of a judge’s emails, texts, Amazon
shopping record, Facebook likes and sites browsed over a ten year period will
be evaluated and compared to each debater’s emails, texts, Amazon shopping
record, Facebook likes and sites browsed over a ten year period. Instagram
photos of last night’s dinner and sites with naughty bits will not be factored
into the calculus.
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The tab room staff, when they are ready to pair
a round, will simply press a START button. Failure to press this button in an
appropriate fashion will cause the entire tournament to storm the tab room and
demand satisfaction.
·
Teams and judges will be notified about their
rounds via text, with Google map instructions on how to get to their rooms, plus
numbers to call when the room is locked, one of the debaters is vomiting too
much to proceed, or either side, or neither side, or the judge, doesn’t show
up.
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Fines for missed rounds will be immediately
levied via Google Play or the Apple Store, and may or may not be rescinded, but
just try to argue with the Apple Store if you have a complaint. Just try.
·
The app will provide instruction for newbie
judges (those whose first names are Mr. or Mrs.) via Bluetooth and undetectable
hearing appliances. The app will listen to what the debaters are saying, and
translate it from Debate Gobbledygook into something vaguely resembling English
(or whatever language the newbie judge happens to understand, in the likely
event that English is not familiar to them). In the Advanced Mode, the app will
analyze what’s being said and provide counsel on who should win and how many
speaker points to apply. In the Super Advanced Mode, the app will play Justin
Bieber songs directly into the ears of the judge and not even pretend to be
paying attention.
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The app will analyze all evidence as it is
presented in the round. In cases of misrepresentation, clipping, fudging, and
downright mendacity, the losing horn from The Price is Right will play at top
volume. Muting this sound is not an option. Alternately, a judge can choose any
sound bite from a Trump news conference as the preferred bullshit alarm.
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The app can be set to flow the entire round, up
to a limit of 117 meaningless blips per speech.
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A special version of the app is available solely
for the Galaxy Note 7 phone, which will be issued to judges who tend to give
critiques longer than the actual rounds. These phones will be locked in the
judges’ pants pockets. The longer the judge rambles on, the hotter the phone
gets. The management takes no responsibility for damage done to the judges
private parts, if any. (If any damage, that is, not if any private parts.)
·
Observers of the round who harass the judges
will find that their wifi has suddenly become dicky, and it will remain so
until said harassers are halfway back to wherever they came from.
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The app is hot-linked to OpenTable so that tab
room staff doesn’t have to leave its home program anymore as they plan
lunch/dinner/elevenses/tiffin/carousing/etc.
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For debaters, there is a function for rating the
tournament’s debate ziti as detestable, despicable, or, the highest ranking,
marginally digestible.
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A Luddite alert will sound if for some reason a
judge in a round is not using the app. This raises the question, How does it
know? Users who think that it begs the question, How does it know, have no idea
what the phrase “begs the question” means.
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The app will automatically notify the TOC
whenever debaters in the round ought to get a bid. If the debaters are so-so
but look plaintive enough, the notification will be for a silver bid. If the
debater is a middle-schooler, the app will automatically enroll them in the TOC
as soon as a payment is by the obnoxious parents of the debater of a $200
finder’s fee.
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The app automatically records points with the
NFL. Unfortunately, the NSDA won’t ever hear about it.
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There’s a prime number generator. Apparently
this was created solely for Chris Palmer, who will otherwise have nothing to do
with all the free time this app will generate for him.
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