Debate: 'Tis the season

I remember from the old days Mad magazine’s snappy answers to stupid questions feature. One that sticks in my mind is a picture of a fish store with a big sign saying “Fresh Fish,” and a customer asking, “Is the fish fresh?” As for me, I will be instituting a new FASQ feature in my email. It will direct people to a web page that says simply, “The answer to your question can be found on the tournament website. You could look it up, or I could look it up for you. Let’s try option number one.”

Do you think that would work?

Why do people turn to me to give them directions, for instance? There’s Google maps, there’s MapQuest. There’s even Apple’s IOS map app, which works a lot better than anyone gives it credit for (every time I’ve used it, it worked fine). There is, however, no MenickMap app. Of course, the best use of a MenickMap app would be at tournaments, when people call the tabroom to tell us that they’re lost, and to ask how to get where they’re going. This happens way less rarely than you would expect. That it happens at all is remarkable, come to think of it. They really will call and say, “I can’t find the X building.” What do you say to that? “Well, they haven’t moved it, so the fault lies with you, not with them?” Sarcasm is probably wasted on anyone who calls to tell you they’re lost. And I’m talking adults here, not students. When students get lost, they tend to simply keep going until they’re so lost, they’re not heard from until an hour and a half after their scheduled start time. At least they have the courage of their (wandering) convictions: they don’t give up.

By the way, we didn’t level any fines in LD for not-picked-up rounds at the Tigs. Most people picked up right away, or showed up merely a minute late. Well done, all. One school didn’t pick up on Sunday morning, though. There is that other kind of fine, the non-fiscal one, the one that remembers who was there and who wasn’t when it’s time to clear the next waitlist. Didn’t pick up your ballots Sunday at Princeton? Why would I expect you to pick them up on Sunday at Columbia? Enjoy your weekend off.

Then again, there are some people out there whom I love. The judges who hang around the judge area and when you ask them to run down to another building to replace a judge who may or may not show up, their response is, “Hand me the ballot, boss,” as they disappear down to that other building, ready, willing and able. These are rare people, but they are there. And they’re there again and again. The good people. Come to think of it, most people are good people, but they don’t make for as interesting a blog. The ones who came to me and asked not to have to walk so much? Much more interesting. I told one person that we only had one room in this same building, sorry about that, and that one is reserved for a guy in a wheelchair. I offered to get him if she wanted to wrestle him for it; she failed to see the humor in that. No doubt she went to the other building, got lost, and called us to complain about it. At which I sent one of our saints down to replace her.

I can feel Festivus coming. Why else would I be airing all these grievances?