Coachean lends a helping band(width)

I offer the following as it was sent to me.

Dear Mr. Menick:

How am I? You are fine.

I turn to you in a time of need. As you know, this is the second busiest season of the year here at ROTFL. Results are coming in from around the country faster and furiouser than we can publish them, and as a result, our servers are stretched beyond capacity. This means that many champions simply are not being announced because we do not have the bandwidth. Imagine our horrorstruckenness!

You, on the other hand, have bandwidth to burn. With 3 active readers, 2 lurkers, a spalpeen and a team that would rather watch tuba-playing cats flush the toilet on YouTube, you have much unused access to the community that could be temporarily loaned to us to keep the Vast ROTFLian Army apprised of every spike, turn and drop across this great country of ours. If you could publish the following results, we would be eternally grateful, at least for a little while.

Thank you.

Your old pal,

Herman Melville
Census Taker, Semi-Amanuensis and General Counsel
ROTFL website, institute, tournament and takeout BBQ restaurant

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RESULTS:

• Holy Moly HL crushes Grapejuice DK at Beaver College Invitational.
  
• Scientology ER permanently devastates Our Lady of the Evening YT at Little Brooklyn in the Dell Tournament.
  
• Jack Kevorkian is crowned Northern Canadian Railroad Champion.
  
• Poobah University Prep UM bows before Geppettowood Institute for the Criminally Inane TD at Federal Pen.
  
• Florida secedes from Union as Key Largo freshman Bug Gubbers takes state championship when no one was looking, and now refuses to give it back.
  
• News from Bolivia: Sikh High PP wraps up local CFL (Catholic Forensic League), NFL (Non-Catholic Forensic League), AFL (Agnostic Forensic League) and PFL (Postmodern Forensic League) titles by winning one-day, one-round, one-student winner-take-all shootout at Simon Bolivar Country Day School.
  
• Breaking news: You break it, you pay for it.
  
• My Friend Flicka Academy PW survives 429 grueling rounds of LD, PF, Policy, after-dinner chat and postpartum depression to take East Carolina State Championship. (Note: Threat of second Civil War makes it unlikely that the event will be recognized by either the CFL, NFL, AFL or PFL.)
  
• Jon Cruz Gallivantry Institute of Casual Noshing QP destroys Wrong Side of Tracks High School BY at Edsel Tech Invitational. (BY subsequently drops out of school to become an eel diver in Wichita, entering state of permanent depression on learning that Wichita’s eel population had already been depleted in 1943 by insatiable sushi chefs bent on invading Kansas and claiming it for Tojo.)
  
• Pay Attention You Idiot Prep WM murders Slumview HD in sleep at Georgia Peachpit Summit Event. Tournament continues after WM hauled off by local gendarmes.
  
• Hilton Head GG wins Anna Nicole Smith Bahamian title for third year in a row, setting Hilton Head, Bahamas and Supreme Court records. Curiously enough, GG wasn’t even aware that she was competing, and had merely shown up early for Spring Break. Also, GG is 23 years old, the mother of three, and creator of NoYouAintTube, a leading contender for Web 3’s app of the week. Way to go, GG!
  

Photos of neither these nor other events will ever be published in our non-existent photo section.