The rules

Last night the speech side, not to be confused with the dark side, met to codify some rules. McLean and I were in attendance representing the debate side, not to be confused with the Heaviside, to provide forensic unity. Aside from establishing some basic tenets of membership unique to speechifiers, such as, you have to attend a meeting every few years or you're off the team, some of the rules applied to everyone. It makes sense that I post them here.

1. The dress code was unified. At CFL events, boys will wear clerical collars and girls will wear wimples. At non-Catholic events, both boys and girls will wear Burger King uniforms.

2. No gambling allowed, with the exception of crap games, but only if the coaches take a 5% rake.

3. No bribing of judges, except for Joe Vaughan, who is approved at the following rates only: Public Forum $2; LD, DUO, HI, DI and Extemp $10; OI and OO $20; Declamation $250.

4. Breaking of laws on college tournament trips is prohibited. This includes bank robbery, terrorism, extortion, impersonating an officer and double-parking. It is unclear whether breaking of laws at non-college tournaments is acceptable.

5. If a law is broken on a college tournament trip, the offending student will be drawn and quartered.

6. Every student is required to house 200 students for Bump.

7. Parents who judge not shall themselves be judged. Or shall have the first stones cast at them. Or something like that.

8. Students are required to at least hint to their coaches about what they intend to perform/run. This will eliminate the designation of Forensician Mysterioso from the team.

9. All students with nicknames are immediately required to attain new nicknames. For example, Ewok will now be known as Chewy, NoShow will now be known as GuessYouDidntThinkIdShowUp, Hush will referred to as Shaddup, etc.

10. There is no number 10, but 10 rules sounds better than 9 rules, which is why there's a rule number 10. (Interestingly enough, this last rule is the only one on this list that is repeated exactly as it was described last night. If that doesn't sum up Hen Hud, I don't know what does.)

SIDE NOTE FOR CAVEMEN:
Cy Twombly