Here’s some of my emails, slightly edited, from various college tournaments.
Q: Why can’t I see my registration?
A: You don’t have one.
Q: Why can’t I see my entries?
A: You didn’t put in any.
Q: Where am I on the wait list?
A: I just moved you to the very bottom as punishment for asking this question which I already told you I couldn’t answer. There are now 103 teams ahead of you.
Q: I have no judge, and I’m an independent, unchaperoned entry. What are my chances of getting into the tournament?
A: Think snowballs. Think hell.
Q: Why can’t I see my invoice?
A: Your glasses are dirty? You’re stone cold drunk? You’re Donald Trump?
Q: Could you please relate to me all the information that is in the invitation?
Q: I signed up yesterday for your tournament next week, and I need to get plane tickets and hotel rooms. I’m obviously important because I come from far away. Why aren’t you taking me off the waitlist?
A: You're right. I’m moving you up the list, right before the snowballs/hell entry.
Q: If you don’t let in all my entries, I’m dropping my entire registration. So there!
A: That’s not a question. And I’ve got 103 teams in one division alone who will be happy not to see you.
High school tournaments aren’t quite as bad. You get the feeling that high school tournaments are attended by people who’ve attended tournaments in the past, while college tournaments somehow seem to get the runoff from the school's Tropical Fish Club venturing forth for the first time.
Makes you feel sorry for the koi.